The baby grew and grew. The little black sac on the ultrasound became a heartbeat. Then a spine, floating in amniotic fluid. Then fingers, toes, bones, eyes, teeth. I went for long walks, did yoga, tried to listen to Mozart and Shostakovich. Sat cross-legged, meditated. Swam. My black maternity swimsuit stretched until the seams were visible. I rubbed my growing belly and thickening thighs with lavender and olive oil. Omar stroked my back at night. We made love sideways. We slept like spoons. I wanted him sometimes to be rough. But he was afraid of hurting the baby.

It isn’t going to make a difference you know.

It just feels weird. I don’t want to hurt it. The movement…won’t it jiggle it too much?

The baby is in the womb, sayang. She is safer in there than she will ever be.

Safe. Yes, she was safe in there. Safe, from the big bad world.

I had managed to make a baby this time. My body worked. It did what it was supposed to do. A miracle. It was going to be a girl, I just knew.

One day as I was reading, I felt a lurch and I saw an impression of a foot. A little foot with toes. My baby’s toes. My baby in there.

I thought of Mother and her pregnancy and remembered that photo of her pregnant with me. It was taken on a beach on the east coast, in Kelantan. Papa sitting next to her. She was wearing a flowery dress and her hair in a short bob. They both wore sunglasses and his hand was on her belly. They looked radiant.

I wondered where it was, that faded photo. I thought of my father and I decided to call him. The thought of his brooding face made me stop after the second ring tone. I needed to be happy. I was going to be a mother and I had to let my sad father go.

It was going to be a girl.

I had met a midwife, Lisa, and together we planned the birth. I had wanted it to be at home, in the bath tub surrounded by music, incense and candles but Lisa, originally from East London, had said that it would be risky, and if there were problems with the birth, there could be serious consequences.

What if the baby is breach? What if you lose too much blood? What if the cord is around the neck? You can’t imagine anticipating certain scenarios, especially since it’s your first baby. If you and Omar were living right next to a hospital, a home birth could be an option, but you’re not, and you know how long ambulances take to get anywhere in KL. If it’s rush-hour traffic, or in the middle of the night, you’ll be in serious trouble. Don’t want you to bleed to death now, do we? We can have a birth plan with no drugs, but you need to be in a medical facility. Let’s think of a home birth for your second child, okay? Del! Listen. Look, women still die in childbirth, it’s not as simple as you think. An unexpected complication could be fatal. Let’s not take the risk, shall we?