Her long hair had been straightened and dyed a honey blonde with highlights. Her make-up was simple and elegant, and she wore a blue blouse with buttons and a short denim skirt. The waiters in the coffee shop straightened their backs a little when she sauntered in. A wolf whistle from one corner. Marina ordered a ginger tea and lit up a cigarette; she sat down with the cigarette poised in one hand. She looked absolutely gorgeous.

I love your hair. It’s beautiful.

Kan? I love it too. My new style. Simple and chic!

Her hands were expressive, her nails sharp and manicured. She sucked hard on the cigarette.

How are you? Work okay? I asked.

Same regulars. Cukup. And you?

I sighed and said, Omar is thinking of starting another business, and by the way…

Marina nodded and lowered her head.

I stopped mid-sentence, sensing that Marina had something to say.

I must tell you something. That’s why I wanted to see you.

Is something wrong? Are you sick? Hurt? What?

A loud clang made us jump. One of the cooks had dropped a big pot and a loud stream of expletives in Tamil ensued. The coffee shop owner was livid but calmed down soon after. The guilty cook slunk into the back and disappeared. Marina took a deep breath and lit up another cigarette.

So the other night I went out for dinner. After that I went for a walk, you know, down that nasi kandar place and I just walked for about five minutes. Then these two policemen came and started bothering me. One of them was asking me questions like buat apa sini? Called me names. The other one was quiet. Actually they were in the same restaurant and they followed me.

She paused to take a sip of tea. I had a bad feeling about what she was about to say.

So the one who was bothering me, you can imagine what happened next.

Did he rape you? I whispered.

She nodded.

You know these fucking assholes, they do it all the time. Last week, someone else kena… And they arrest us and put us in jail! I am so tired of these bloody police. So tired of what they do to us! They treat us like animals. They think we’re stupid? That we’re not going to do anything?

She stabbed her cigarette violently into the ashtray, and then looked straight into my eyes.

My whole life I am dealing with men who rape me. I am fed up. Enough. Del, I want a lawyer. Can you help me? Do you know anyone?

That night I wrote a letter to my dead child and burnt it. I watched the paper turn into black flakes which then fluttered and disappeared into the night.

To my unborn child—

from the golden light

that you came

to which you must now

return

until you and i

seed of your seed

fruit of my womb