E made you feel invincible, in a different way than coke. This high came on slowly, easing like delicious champagne into your veins. I looked around and smiled. And nodded my head to the music. Damn, it felt good. We were all in communion with the great god of E. We were all one with each other, one with ourselves. No malice, no greed, no hunger, no thirst. We were complete.

The tingling would start in the stomach, then move upwards like a golden trail, until it spread all over your arms, chest, neck and, like a crown, settled on your head. Your body was all light, sensitive to every touch, every motion, every stimulus. Your skin felt alive, longing for love, light, glory. Glory to all. Hail the Almighty. It just felt holy, it felt like you should give thanks.

Then, you’d start to jump a little, sway, move in unison with the tide of music, feet on the ground, touching the earth’s core. You’d feel it inching up your heels, thighs; the earth was alive, and you with it. You’d feel like rejoicing in the power of life. Your stomach would lurch, empty of all remorse, vengeance, anger.

Only joy. Oh. Joy.

Karin grabbed my hand. Hers felt cold. Our hands clutched each others’ hungrily. Her eyes turned steel grey, like twin bullets. We swayed into each other, hips moving in unison.

E made you speak the truth. Apparently that’s why shrinks used it as couples’ therapy at exclusive ashrams in India and New York. Couples who had not been intimate or connected took it to fall in love again. Or to speak the unadulterated truth. It saved marriages, lives. It put people in touch with themselves again. It allowed people to feel again.

At a certain point during the night, as if by clockwork, everything would climax. It was a moment when there was synchronicity. The music was perfect. The mass of people on the dance floor would heave like some kind of amorphous creature, a cloud of bees or birds. A flocking. A gathering. Of souls. We were all high, riding the wave, all peaking together. It was fabulous.

Karin turned to me. Oh my god, this is so good. I feel so good.

I closed my eyes. She sounded like she was slurring and everything was slow motion, but it wasn’t. I felt like I was floating off the ground. I felt light, airless. No more pain. No more anything. Just bliss.

My mother was killed in a car crash. She slammed her BMW into a pole and was killed in an instant. She was drunk, and probably didn’t feel a thing. I was 14.