Marina decided to move in with me temporarily to make sure that I got out of my sex- and drug-fuelled frenzy. She made sure that I ate; cooked simple dishes with a variety of soups, noodles and rice and for the first time in months, I felt a sense of normality. She deleted Karin’s number from my phone and said that I could see Shah but you have to use a condom, god knows how many women he has slept with. And no more coke! She dragged me to do an AIDS and STD test, which was humiliating, and she got rid of all the alcohol in the house. We sat in the evenings and sipped herbal tea and watched film after feel-good film. It was the most mundane week, but it worked. Marina had shown me that she was really and truly concerned and that she was going to make sure that I got back on track. In truth, she was the only one who cared.

Because I had punished my body so much in the previous weeks, I went through withdrawals and would wake up in cold sweats and panic attacks. I smoked copiously to keep my hands from shaking, and once begged her to let me drink some wine. The entire bottle was gone in ten minutes. She sat there at the dinner table, cigarette in right hand, her crimson nails perfectly manicured.

You can drink yourself to death too, you know. You want to go into rehab?

I knew that I needed help, but it wasn’t the kind of help that you could get in rehab. I wasn’t an addict, I was grieving and was temporarily lapsing into a dark place—I knew that I would get myself out of it, and perhaps Marina’s presence was the kind of trigger I needed. I had pushed myself to the edge and I needed to find my way back. I knew then that Marina was family—she was the only real person I could trust implicitly. She cared for me, she loved me and she was going to make sure that I survived this.

Fuck Omar, what a loser. Some men don’t know how to deal with anything.

I opened my mouth to defend Omar and then I stopped. We were both to blame, I had put up a wall since Alba’s disappearance. I, too, did not know how to deal with it. My father’s example wasn’t model behaviour, and I had not been available to Omar in any way at all. I told Marina that I had shut myself down emotionally and physically, so it was no wonder that he had left.

That’s not an excuse, Del. I saw the way he looked at you at the wedding. That man would never do this to you. He’s changed, something has happened to him. You have to stop blaming yourself.