How stupid. How banal. My mundane life, reduced to a pathetic note. The days after the police station were spent in complete catatonia. I had crawled into bed and stayed there for three whole days, weeping, screaming, sleeping. I did not eat, I drank bottle after bottle and took whatever pills I had. By the fourth day, I was less of a shell than I had ever been and I had decided that the only way to end the misery was to end my life. There was no strength left in me, apart from feeling completely and utterly alone, I was afraid for my mind. I could not stop it from going to the deepest reaches of my subconscious—the images that stayed with me for most of my walking hours were unrelenting. I had images of Alba splayed out in front of my eyes; Alba screaming from pain, Alba crying, Alba wandering around looking for me, Mama Mama Mama, where are you?

Alba with strange men doing unimaginable things to her. With a camera, with objects, with knives. No, I told myself, I cannot do this anymore. She will never be found and I will go crazy in the process. It is not worth it. And really, apart from Alba there was nothing for me to live for. I might as well have been dead to Omar. And he to me. I was staring at the abyss and there was no way out. I took one pill then a swig of vodka. Then two, and another swig. Then three, and another swig, then four, then five and the final five. All twenty pills were in me. And soon I had drunk almost two thirds of the bottle. I staggered to the couch and managed to get comfortable enough, soon I felt a wave come over me. It felt like damp cotton wool coursing through my veins. Yes, sleep would claim me and there would be no more tomorrow. No more pain, no more nightmares. No more.

Then, a lightness came over me, as if I was being lifted toward an orange cloud. It was the richest sunset I’d ever seen. Streaks of aquamarine, blue, crimson, pinks of all hues. It was glorious. I closed my eyes and drifted towards some kind of tunnel. Yes, I was almost there, take me angels, take me home.

When my handphone rang, I had apparently managed to answer it, how I don’t know. I must have found some strength to reach an arm out, press a button then speak. Hello… Then I went silent, thrust back into the orange universe. This prompted Marina to race over to the apartment with her lover, knock furiously on the door, break it down with the help of the security guard and then get me into an ambulance. When I woke up, she was there by my side. Her lover, he was there too. I looked at her then turned away.

I want to die, Marina. I can’t…