Take Denis Nilsen. Undone by a local tradesman. See how burning bodies and flushing parts down the toilet is not the best way to dispose of your victims. Because the drains get clogged and you have no choice but to call your plumber. And he has no choice but to call the police when the blockage he finds appears to be caused by human flesh and bone.

Or take Keith Hunter Jesperson – The Happy Face Killer – and let him know that murdering your girlfriend is the stupidest thing you can do. You have to watch out for these other people. They have links to you. They get you caught. Stick to randoms. Don’t shoot at politicians or stalk famous actors or off a member of your own family.

There’s a reason to choose hobos and prostitutes.

And don’t believe that Zodiac Killer hype. Taunting the police is getting other people involved. It gets you found out. DNA will eventually show that this Zodiac guy died or ended up in prison for something else. He didn’t outsmart anybody.

Forget the associates, the partners, the girlfriends or boyfriends.

Don’t get sloppy.

Don’t get caught.

You want to rid the world of more than a few college campus stoners; you have to be creative.

Take Harold Shipman. Doctor Death. Marvel as he uses his knowledge as a general practitioner to administer lethal doses of morphine to his elderly patients and his position within the community as a medical professional to cover up his tracks.

Watch as he works alone, year after year. No ex-cons to snitch on him. No accomplices that can take a deal to deliver his head on a plate.

See how he doesn’t have to get rid of the bodies – he makes it look like an accident or natural causes. The victim’s families end up paying for a burial or incineration of the evidence. No chance that a plumber or plasterer will come across a hair sample or bone or tooth.

Learn from his thirty-eight-year marriage to one woman. Who he didn’t have to kill. Who would never lead the police to their doorstep.

But note his complacency. And his greed. Pay attention to his mistake of trying to steal the inheritance of a victim, forging documents that would leave her estate to him in her will.

Harold, you are a killer.

Not a thief.

Not a forger.

Harold ‘Angel of Death’ Shipman. With 238 confirmed kills and a further twelve unconfirmed.

Harold ‘The Good Doctor’ Shipman. Who got greedy. Got sloppy.

Got caught.

Harold Goddamned Shipman: The greatest serial killer of all time.

Until now.

The real trick to being the biggest serial killer in history is to learn from all the other fuck-ups. No accomplice. No dependents. No mistakes.

And the best way to do that is to set up a cult that doesn’t really exist.

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