Because soon they called me Big Patty. Because they called me Pimply Face. Because they made me crouch down and eat from the dog’s dish.

Because they laughed at me.

Because he did not protect me from them.

Because I gave my soul to him.

Because I am begging understanding and forgiveness from you, on my knees.

Because I am a good person, in my heart.

Because you can see—can’t you?—I am a good person, in my heart.

Because it was easy to hypnotize me.

Because it was easy to drug me.

Because I could not say no.

Because very feebly I did say no, no—but he laughed at me and made me serve him on my knees.

Because I was ravenous for love—for touch.

Because stabbing the victims, I was stabbing myself.

Because sinking my hands into the wounds of the victims, to mock and defile them, I was mocking and defiling myself.

Because tasting the blood that was “warm and sticky,” I was tasting my own blood that spurted out onto walls, ceilings, carpets.

Because, at my trial, prejudiced jurors found me guilty of “seven counts of homicide,” not knowing how I was but his instrument.

Because you who sit in judgment of me have no idea of the being I am in my innermost heart.

Because you gaze upon me with pity and contempt, thinking—Oh she is a monster! She is nothing like me.

But I am like you. In my heart that is without pity, I am you.

Because it is true, certain terrible things were done by my hand, which was but his hand.

Because it is true, these were terrible acts and yet joyous, as he had ordained.

Because it is true, I showed no mercy to those who begged for their lives on their knees.

On my knees for all of my life, I did not receive mercy, and so I had no mercy to give.

Well, yes—it is true, I stabbed her sixteen times. The beautiful “movie star.”

And it is true, each stab was a shriek of pure joy.

And it is true, in a frenzy I stabbed the baby in her belly, eight months, five weeks old. For a mere second it crossed my mind, I could “deliver” this baby by Caesarean, for I had a razor-sharp butcher knife, and if I did this and brought the baby to Charlie … But I could not think beyond the moment, I did not know if Charlie would bless me or curse me, and I could not risk it.

For the baby too, that had no name, I showed no mercy. For no mercy had been shown me.

Because for these acts that are so terrible in your eyes, I have repented.

For these acts and others, I have repented.

Because in this prison I am a white woman.

A pearl in a sea of mud. A pearl cast before swine.