And then one minute we’re lying there and the next we’re kissing, and it’s not like this is anything particularly new, but it feels new, it feels different somehow. I guess I don’t want to make this too romantic or anything. At the end of the day, it’s just kissing, but… I don’t know. How is it that this still makes me so… how have two years gone by and I still feel like this in his arms?

We kiss for a long time, like it’s two years ago and we’re on Nick’s lounge sofa trying to watch a film. Impossible. I can’t think about anything else when he’s running his hands so gently through my hair, across my back, over my hips. Suddenly he’s pulling my T-shirt off and laughing when I can’t undo his shirt buttons, I’m asking if he wants to and he’s saying yes before I’ve even finished my sentence, he’s undoing my belt, I’m reaching into his bedside drawer for a condom, we’re kissing again, we’re rolling over, obviously you can see where this is going.

I don’t know if it’s because we’re feeling especially emotional, or we’re just tired, or these past couple of weeks have been too much, but – and this is gonna sound really weird – this time reminds me so much of the first time we had sex. We were both fucking terrified.

That first time was so bad. So bad it was kind of good. Does that make any sense?

We’re scared this time for a different reason, I can tell. I could pretend that we aren’t scared that we’re approaching the end of this, of us, but that would be a lie.

Nick touches me like he’s scared that any minute I could disintegrate forever. When we’re finally completely undressed he just stops and stares like he’s trying to memorise every second of this. When we’re moving he keeps saying my name over and over until I find it too ridiculous and tell him to shut up, but he just grins and keeps on saying it anyway, whispering it against my skin just to make me laugh. I hold him so tight against me, as if that’ll keep us here, keep him here with me. I used to think I was pathetic for thinking dumb, romantic stuff like that. I don’t any more. I just keep thinking it. I keep wanting him here. I keep wanting him to stay.