Maybe a change of scenery will help. It’d be preferable to slowly losing my mind inside the house.

Besides, after the wedding, I owe it to my mom—and my cousin and aunt—to at least try to make amends. Make myself better. Show them that I do genuinely care about my culture, that I’m not an ignorant foreigner who goes around dooming my family members’ marriages. Learn how to hold a conversation long enough to apologize properly, in Mandarin.

“Okay, fine,” I say, holding out a hand. “Let me see that.”

My mom’s face breaks into a wide beam as she passes me the application, and I feel a pang in my chest. It’s been a while since she last looked so happy. So hopeful. Even if the Journey to the East can’t solve all of my problems, at least it’ll be worth this.

* * *

Later that evening, my phone buzzes with a text from Cate.

we’re heading down to sarah’s beach house next sat. u coming? xxx

This is how most of our conversations go. Short, to the point. Often, it’ll just be a question: Should I wear this dress or this? Is the jacket too much? Are you free tomorrow? I understand that the vast majority of the student body would consider it a great privilege to be trusted by Cate Addison for fashion advice, and I guess I do. I just wish we really talked, that I could feel comfortable confiding in her about anything without worrying I’d seem too weird. The closest we’ve ever come to having a heart-to-heart talk was when she got drunk on a martini and told me that she sometimes feels insecure about her music taste.

But I’m not sure if she’ll even want to talk to me at all once we return to school. I still haven’t told her that I’ve quit modeling. Partly because my gut churns at the thought of her reaction—it’ll no doubt be some vocal mixture of disappointment and confusion—and partly because I haven’t figured out a way to do so without bringing up the photo shoot. She wouldn’t understand why it was such a big deal to me, why I had to leave after that, for the sake of my own sanity and dignity.

At least I now have a legitimate excuse to put off telling her for just a little longer.

I’d love to, but I can’t, I text back. My mom’s signed me up for this trip to China and I’ll be gone two weeks. You guys have fun though!!!

Her reply is immediate. oh my god, you poor thing. why on earth would they send you to that place?