Because it was also what the boys who dated me really wanted, even if they didn’t directly admit it. They’d whisper things like, You’re the first Asian girl I’ve ever been with, or, You’re so gorgeous—I can’t believe you’re Chinese, as if I was meant to feel special or grateful to be some kind of exception, and once their interest in me fizzled out, they would turn their attention back to the gorgeous blonde girls in our class. I looked nothing like them, and I never would.

“I regret it now,” I say bitterly, “but I did whatever I could to blend in. I copied their makeup style that wasn’t suited for me at all, and I never volunteered my Chinese name if I could help it. Even if I was never going to be mainstream, I—I just wanted to be closer to it. I felt like I had to, or else nobody would want me. Then all of a sudden, people were saying that it was trendy to be Asian. It was cool. I booked more jobs within a couple months than I had in a full year. And then they asked me to do a photo shoot for this magazine—I don’t know if you’ve heard of Amalia—”

“The one with the hot-pink logo?” he asks. “I think I’ve seen it before.”

“That’s the one. It has a pretty good reputation, so obviously I said yes. I was genuinely excited going in; I thought that it was my moment. That I would become, like, a real, proper model after I did it, and everything would be worth it, because that’s how it goes in the movies, right?”

I don’t realize I’m tugging at my hair until I feel the pain prickling my scalp. I force my fingers back down to my side, my gut churning as the memories bubble up like acid. This is the part I’ve blocked out. The part I haven’t even let myself think about for too long.

“You don’t have to explain anymore,” Cyrus says softly.

“No, it’s okay.” And it really is. For once, I just want to be honest about all the ways it hurts. I could never have done that, before. When you sign up for this industry, you give up more than just your image and your name; you give up your ability to cry out to the people who are hurting you.