I’d been there when the merchant told him. I’d seen the look of confusion that passed between Paj and the others, but there had to be some part of them that knew what West did for Saint. They were too smart to have missed it.

A million things flitted through my mind, but too fast. I couldn’t grab hold of a single one. Saint was right that I didn’t know West. So was Zola. I’d only seen the sides of him that he’d chosen to show me.

“We’ve all done things to survive,” I said.

“That’s not what I’m trying to tell you.” The air around him changed as he spoke, “Fable, I need you to understand something. I did what I needed to do. I didn’t like it, but I had a sister and a mother who needed my wages, and I had a place on a crew that treated me well. I know it’s not right, but if I could go back, I think I would do it all again.” He said it so earnestly. “I don’t know what that makes me. But it’s true.”

It looked as if those were the words that had cost him most of all. Because he was telling the truth. There was no blame to be placed on anyone else’s shoulders. This was West, and he wasn’t lying about it.

“That’s why Saint doesn’t want to lose you. Why he gave you a shadow ship to run.” I rubbed a hand over my face, suddenly so tired. “But why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”

“I knew I was going to have to tell you about my work with Saint. I just wanted to…” He paused. “I was afraid you’d change your mind. About me. About the Marigold.”

I wanted to say that I wouldn’t have. That it wouldn’t have made a difference. But I wasn’t sure if that was true. Crewing for my father was one thing. I knew him. There was no mystery about who he was or what he wanted. But West was different.

“We’re going to have to figure out how to trust each other,” I said.

“I know.”

I knew that West was in deep with my father, but this was something different. West was the reason people feared Saint. He was the shadow Saint cast on everything around him. The haul from the Lark wasn’t just buying West’s freedom from my father. It was buying his soul.

“If you hadn’t known about the Lark … if you hadn’t needed it to save the Marigold, would you have taken me onto the crew?”

“No.” He answered without a breath of hesitation.

My heart sank, tears springing to my eyes.