"I'm not going to drink a delicious alcoholic milkshake in front of you."

"That's very kind of you. You're a good friend. When are you going to go down on me?"

"I'm not."

"I think you owe that to me. You have to eat my pussy for all you put me through."

"In your dreams."

"They're actually nightmares. You'd be terrible at it. You'd be all like—" Charlene stuck out her tongue in random directions to mimic poor oral sex technique. "It would be embarrassing. I'd eventually just get bored and leave."

"People are staring at you."

"I got my neck slashed open by one psychopath, I got shot in the stomach by another psychopath, and I was almost locked in a cage to starve to death by a third psychopath. Guess how much I care that people are staring at my tongue?"

"I got stabbed a few times by a psychopath, and I did get locked in a cage to starve to death, and I do care that people are staring at your tongue."

"Too bad for you. I'm sure they're silently judging you. Can you feel their eyes boring into the back of your head?"

Gertie laughed. "I'm glad you're back to normal."

"Oh, I'm so far from normal that it isn't even funny."

"You're back to acting like you did when I first met you."

Charlene picked up her milkshake glass. "We should do a toast."

"To what?"

"I don't know. To anything. To not getting murdered by a family of serial killers."

Gertie held up her glass. "To not getting murdered by a family of serial killers."

They clinked their glasses together and drank their chocolate milkshakes.

The End

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thanks to my usual amazing crew of Tod Clark, Donna Fitzpatrick, Lynne Hansen, Michael McBride, Jim Morey, Paul Synuria II, and Rhonda Rettig for their assistance with this novel. Thanks also to the ghosts of Roan Mountain, Tennessee, for letting me finish this book in peace when they could've been jerks and possessed the other people in the cabin.

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Books By Jeff Strand

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Bang Up. A filthy comedic thriller. "You want to pay me to sleep with your wife?" is just the start of the story.

Cold Dead Hands. Ten people are trapped in a freezer during a terrorist attack on a grocery store.

How You Ruined My Life (Young Adult). Sixteen-year-old Rod has a pretty cool life until his cousin Blake moves in and slowly destroys everything he holds dear.

Everything Has Teeth. A third collection of short tales of horror and macabre comedy.

An Apocalypse of Our Own. Can the Friend Zone survive the end of the world?