“So when I saw him, I . . . I turned away for a minute. I looked away. I think I was hoping he’d see me turning away and get the message, go find someone else to pester.”

“Oh, Leah. . . .”

“Right? I’m the worst. The worst sister ever.”

I opened my eyes again and looked at Jasper. I didn’t know what to expect. Shock? Disgust? But she was just waiting, listening, and I wasn’t sure what her face was saying, but it didn’t say that I was the worst. I kept talking.

“Anyway, after a minute, when he didn’t turn up at the raft, I figured he’d swum somewhere else. But when I looked around the lake for him, to see where he’d headed . . . I couldn’t find him. He just . . . wasn’t there. He wasn’t anywhere. There was nobody swimming near the raft, or near where he’d been. The water was empty. Flat.”

“So you didn’t see him . . . go?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t see anything happen. Because I wasn’t watching. On purpose. Because I was choosing not to watch. I was ignoring him. When he was dying, I was ignoring him, Jasper.”

“But he didn’t thrash or anything? Shout? Weren’t there other people around?”

“That’s the thing. Nobody saw anything. He just . . . I guess he just got tired. And slipped down. He sank. Just like that.”

“Just like that,” whispered Jasper.

“Yeah . . . ,” I said. “Just like that.”

Telling Jasper was so strange. Telling anyone was so strange. I wasn’t crying. Why wasn’t I crying? Shouldn’t I be crying? How was I able to just tell the story? Like it was any other story? Like it was something that had happened to someone else? Finally, I was saying it out loud, and I felt . . . nothing. It was like I was made of stone. It felt like the earth should rip open, like some monster should come devour me; but I just sat there, under that foggy wet sky, and said it. Like any other words. Like no big deal. I really was the worst sister ever.

“And that was all?” Jasper asked.

I nodded. “At first it was. For, like, a second. And then I freaked, jumped up. I remember my heart was beating super fast. I looked all around. Everywhere. I was turning circles on the raft, trying to look everywhere at once. It seemed crazy. I remember I worried I was overreacting. Like Tali and Hazel might laugh at me for going nuts and stressing out. But I knew. I just knew. He was my brother. I knew Sam, and I could feel it, that he was gone. I could feel him not being there. The hole he’d left. Already. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

Jasper shook her head. “I don’t,” she said. “My sister and I . . . aren’t like that. But I can imagine.”