“Ohmigod,” I said. “I can’t believe you just said that.” I skimmed over the fact that John and I weren’t exactly speaking to each other. “It totally worked out for me—John and I are really happy together. You could even say we’re crushing it.”

“People who say they’re crushing it,” Carol said, “are rarely crushing it. It’s like people who post sappy things to their spouses on Facebook about how much they love them. I mean, give me a break—they’re in the next room. If you’ve got something sappy to say, put your phone down, get up off your butt, and go say it.”

“I don’t post sappy things to John on Facebook,” I said. I made a mental note to check to be sure that was true.

“Well,” Christine said. “At least you finally got rid of Kevin. What an asshole.”

“Sasshole,” Carol said. “And yeah, Kevin was a total prick.”

“Why is prick okay,” Christine said, “and asshole isn’t?”

“Swear rules,” Carol said. “I don’t make ’em up.”

“Why is it,” I said, “that the whole ten years I was married to my wasband, none of you ever said anything bad about him?”

“Why state the obvious,” Carol said.

“We’re classy like that,” Christine said. “I mean, why bother to rub it in when you were stuck with him. Plus, it’s not like any of the other guys you were with before Kevin were all that hot either.”

“Oh, and Joe is such a prize,” I said.

“Watch it,” Christine said, “or you’ll be looking for another contractor.”

“I love Joe,” I said.

Carol pulled into Michael’s driveway, beeped.

“Whoa,” Christine said. “Holy déjà vu. I just had an out-of-body flashback to high school. Remember when we used to get in trouble whenever someone beeped for us in the driveway? We’d have to run out and bring whoever it was in?”

“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.” I tried to imitate my mother, but the truth was I’d lost the sound of her voice soon after she died.

“Don’t make me go out there,” Carol said.

“As long as you live under my roof,” Johnny said, “you live by my rules.”

“Don’t use that tone with me, Missy,” Christine said.

“Mom wasn’t that embarrassing,” Carol said, “but Dad—”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” we all boomed together.

“The sad thing is,” Carol said, “that I’ve used every single one of those with Siobhan. I can’t help myself—they just come flying out of my mouth.”

The door opened. Michael and Billy Jr. jogged toward the minivan, cut in front of the headlights, stopped just long enough to shake their rear ends in our direction.

“I texted Billy, too,” Johnny said. “I didn’t want him to feel left out.”