“Are you even armed?” Trip asked her. She was only wearing a snug tank top, so if she was concealing a handgun she was a lot better at it than I was, and I had a lot of practice.

“Well, kinda…When I thought Ed was going to get arrested, I sort of…well, ditched my stash.” She walked back the way she’d come from, disappeared behind a few trees, and then came back with her stash, which consisted of a compound bow and a quiver of broad-head hunting arrows. The bow still had a price tag hanging off of it. “We passed a sporting goods store back there. They didn’t have no guns, but I saw this and I sort of…You know…Harbinger always says to improvise, adapt, and survive! I’m like totally improvising! I’ll pay for that window. I ain’t paying for this one though!”

“You stole that bow?” Trip was mortified.

“Borrowed,” she corrected me. “After we kill the monster I’ll give it back. I figure I’m doing them a favor. If it got used by a badass Monster Hunter they can sell it later for a whole lot more. I’m talking premium. Who wouldn’t want it then? And I know how to shoot a bow super good. Back in the Enchanted Forest we poach—I mean, we legally hunt deer and stuff all the time.”

“Well, she is an elf,” I told Trip. “The bow seems strangely appropriate.”

“Now that’s just racist stereotyping,” Tanya sniffed. “I’m offended.”

“You can file a complaint with the Trailer Park Elf Defamation League when we get out of this.” Another phone began to ring. This one was a courtesy phone mounted on the wall near the bathrooms. I went over and answered it. “Hello?”

“Are those friends of yours?” Mitch snapped. “If so, all that damage is going on your bill.”

At this point I didn’t know if any of us would still be alive to pay it anyway. “Yes, they’re with us. It was a misunderstanding. I’ll keep an eye on them.”

“What is it with you people and breaking every—” I hung up as Mitch continued to squawk.

“Okay, Tanya. You two need to stick with us. Ed, despite being totally clueless, I trust. You…not so much.”

She folded her arms indignantly. “Harbinger said I’m—”

“Harbinger gave you a job because the rest of us know jack and shit about magic, and he thinks you could come in handy, and we don’t have to pay a fortune to your mom in consultant’s fees. Some day you might be a full-fledged Hunter, but in the meantime you’re a Newbie who doesn’t know anything. Got it?”

“Yes, sir,” the elf muttered.

“Stick close to us and do exactly what we tell you.” The phone rang again. “Damn it.”