Shaygha did not come to open the door for me, even though I knocked and waited three times. I felt slightly concerned, afraid she might have left. My fear abated when it occurred to me that perhaps she was taking a shower, and I quickly searched my pockets for the key. That’s when I realized that my small leather wallet was not in its usual place in my back pocket. “I’ll have to look for it later,” I thought as I pulled out my key and put it in the lock. But then an image of the wallet popped into my mind, from the time I was paying for things at the store. It was followed by another image of my taking out twenty dollars to pay the Ethiopian woman at the bar. God! I had accidentally left it behind when I rushed out!

I entered the bedroom and found three people standing there, waiting for me. The first was Mr. Joe. I recognized him by his short stature and the black leather cap that covered his bald head. He looked like a cartoon character, with his small feet, his shining black shoes, and his smooth, thin mustache set above sharp, cruel lips. How could so much force and so much cruelty, with all the dread and terror it inspired, be concentrated within a small man like this, who didn’t at all look the part? Perhaps because power is not a muscle, just a strong persuasive authority, nothing more. You see yourself as powerful and capable, and others automatically adopt your view of yourself. Just let those two goons step away from Mr. Joe, and he would discover he was not brave enough to face me for a minute. He couldn’t stand up to a beating from me for a second. He would collapse before me, no question, because my power lies in my frightening capacity for endurance and suffering. I have been loaded up with deprivation as a burden I have borne. I have been weighed down with hatred, cruelty, isolation, and death, and I have taken it all. I exceed the Messiah Himself in my ability to endure cruelty and humiliation. What is the cross compared to what I have suffered? Beatings are nothing, believe me, because the most violent pain exists on another plane.