“That’s enough,” interjected Second Prophet Noah Bitters, who had to admit that he was impressed with the number of synonyms for prostitute his brother knew. “There’s no need to censure these girls any further. I’m sure their embarrassment is more than enough–”

Prophet Jonas shot an accusatory glare at his brother. “Did you know…?” he asked.

Noah Bitters looked shocked. “Did I know? What kind of question is that? I’m your brother, Jonas!” None of these responses, of course, actually answered the question.

“I love you, Noah!” called one of the younger Foolish Virgins from the ridge.

Noah smiled weakly at his brother, whose face went red with rage. Prophet Jonas looked, Christine thought, like a cartoon character who was about to shoot steam from his ears. With Jonas momentarily paralyzed by anger, Noah sprinted off into the desert. A split second later, his brother followed, howling decidedly non-Biblical curses after him.

The members of the congregation muttered to each other. A few of the ostensible Virgins’ parents marched up the ridge to retrieve their respective daughters. Others simply got in their cars and left. A few lay flat on the ground, pummeling the desert sand with their fists and weeping.

Christine packed up her folding chair, threw it in the trunk of her rented Corolla, and checked her cell phone once more. 5:46 a.m. Plenty of time to get to the Salt Lake City airport for the 10:25 flight to Los Angeles.

TWO

William Miller, a nineteenth century Baptist preacher, predicted that Jesus Christ would return sometime between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844. When March 21, 1844 passed without incident, Miller revised his calculations and adopted a new date: April 18, 1844. Like the previous date, April 18 passed without Christ’s return. Miller publicly confessed his error, but maintained that “the day of the Lord is near, even at the door.”

In August 1844 at a camp-meeting in Exeter, New Hampshire, one of Miller’s followers, Samuel S. Snow, presented his own interpretation: that Christ would return on October 22, 1844. By this time, Miller inexplicably had thousands of followers who were eager recipients of Snow’s message.

The sun rose on the morning of October 22 like any other day, and October 22 passed without incident. This non-event was dubbed by historians the “Great Disappointment.”

There had been many disappointments prior to this one, and many more since, but never has there been another Great Disappointment. Even the Great War was demoted to World War I after a second, even bigger war just two decades later, but the Great Disappointment remains a non-event without sequel, even after a century and a half. The Godfather III notwithstanding, that’s a big disappointment.