Last night a human female invited me for dinner and some four-play. (It turned out to be two-play since no one else showed up.) After dinner she wanted to sit in the back of her car to play. Since this was my first social interaction with a human, I was trying to be polite, so I didn’t point out that the nearby field provided a lot more room to run around. I also didn’t point out that she didn’t have any toys. Anyway, she started patting me with her hands and licking at my mouth. When she put her tongue in my mouth, I thought she was hungry despite having just eaten a large dinner. So I obliged and gave her a mouthful of pre-chewed food.

After she got done spitting and screaming, she told me to get out of the car. Then she drove off, and I had to walk home.

Why did she do that?

Signed,

Baffled Wolf

Dear Baffled,

One of the challenges of interspecies relationships is that a particular gesture or signal can mean two very different things. As a Wolf, you responded as you would to a puppy who licked your mouth: you provided food, and your confusion about her reaction is quite natural. However, humans do the licking and tongue maneuvers as play to stimulate the urge to mate. So your companion wasn’t asking for food; she was sending out an invitation to experiment with the first stages of sex. That is what she meant by foreplay. (This is not the same as four who are playing, although Ms. Know-It-All’s research indicates that humans sometimes do that too.)

The Dimwit’s Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that this subject can be a dangerous adventure and should be undertaken with extreme caution. After all, human males have been trying to understand their females for generations, and most of the time they come away from these encounters looking like someone stuck their tails into an electric socket.

Kowalski kept making sounds like something was stuck in his throat. Finally, he managed, “Yeah.” He handed the newsletter back to the boy. “Yeah, that’s true.”

The boy looked at the newsletter, said “Huh,” and walked over to the archway that led into A Little Bite.

Nathan gave the men a nod, then followed the boy.

“The Dimwit’s Guide to the Female Mind?” Monty asked. “Is that a real book?”

“They have one for sale here, and there’s one in the Market Square Library. That one’s been chewed on, so I think someone tried to read it.”

“Have you read it?”

Kowalski choked on a laugh. “Gods, Lieutenant.”

Monty took that to mean no. “You’re getting moved in across the street?” He knew the answer, but the question was an invitation for Karl to tell him some of the things that were going unsaid.