We get the rest of the stuff into the flat in about ten more trips, and I can’t work out exactly what Jonathan was doing because I seem to recognise all the things that are now stacked up in the middle of the living room as being things that I carried. Jonathan says he sees himself in more of an advisory capacity and that he is going to be my home stylist, which if it’s anything like his personal shopping service when we go out looking for clothes means that the flat will very soon resemble a knocking shop.

By the time I’ve taken the van back and we’ve managed to make a cup of tea and sit down it’s nearly six o’clock, and Jonathan is getting fidgety about Star Search which starts at seven. Jonathan will not go out on a Saturday night any more; he says it’s because town is full of naffs at the weekends, but I know that it’s really because he wants to stay in and watch Star Search. If I phone him when it’s on he doesn’t answer, and there are only two reasons why Jonathan doesn’t answer his phone, and the other one is sex.

He’s ready to leave at half past six which would just about get him home in time, when I tell him that I’ve got a bottle of champagne in a cold bag and I was planning to share it with him as a kind of house-warming. So he looks at me for a while as if he’s doing a few calculations, and then he says okay, he’ll stay for a drink if I can get the TV hooked up as well. So I put the TV on top of a packing case and I pop the cork just as Star Search starts, and Jonathan glares at me and tells me to shush, because he can’t concentrate on two things at once. So we drink the champagne in silence watching Star Search, and Jonathan is completely obsessed by this boy, Lukas, who he thinks is gorgeous and talented and the sort of boyfriend he’d like to live with, basically because he would match Jonathan’s current colour scheme which is chocolate brown and olive green. Lukas has dark brown curly hair and olive skin and he is cute in a retarded-child sort of way. Lukas does a really bad rendition of ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ and something horrible by Stephen Sondheim, and Jonathan keeps telling me to shut up when I make remarks. I actually catch him crying when Lukas gets a bad score off the judges, and then he asks me if he can use my phone and he votes for Lukas about ten times which considering it costs £1 per call is quite a lot of money.

I tell Jonathan that he is wasting his time obsessing over people on television when he should be going out and meeting a real boyfriend, and then he comes over all enigmatic and says he has plenty of irons in the fire, and besides what would I know about real boyfriends, I haven’t had one since before Christmas. Which is true, but seeing as it’s only March I don’t think that’s so bad, and I tell Jonathan that I’m quite enjoying being single for a while, at which point he looks at me like he’s about to phone for an ambulance.