It was all there, all the stuff I’ve tried to forget. The diary, the magazines – Man’s Worlds‚ Health and Strength, Man Alive, Male Classics, the covers like familiar friends, the photographs, the negatives, even the undeveloped roll of film from Blackpool.

My hands are shaking and I can barely write this.

There is Mervyn in his boxing shorts, guard up, looking at the camera through his eyelashes.

There he is in his posing pouch.

And there he is out of it.

For the first time in months, I have an erection.

I met Stephen at Lyons Corner House on Coventry Street. ‘I would have made you lunch at the flat, but my dear, it’s such a mess!’ He looked older than when I’d last seen him, more nervy, constantly glancing over his shoulder, jumping at shadows. ‘God, but it’s good to see you, Michael. I had no idea. Oh, my dear,’ he said, laying a hand on mine, ‘what you must have been through! Well, don’t tell me, I know. Those doctors!’ He flapped his hands around his head, as if brushing away flies. ‘What they don’t do to you in the name of science! But the main thing is that you’re here and you’re well and you look, if I may say so, utterly fabulous.’

‘Stephen …’

‘No! Don’t look at me!’ He shielded his eyes. ‘The wreckage of a once great beauty. Oh, when I think of it, wasting my youth on the RAF, I should have established myself with the officers and set up a nice little brothel. Hey ho. But let’s not dwell, dear. Tell me everything about your plans.’

‘I’ve applied for a job at the …’

‘Oh God, don’t look now, it’s someone I don’t want to see.’ He hid behind the menu. ‘Has he gone? Did he see us?’

‘What’s the matter, Stephen?’

‘I’m afraid when a girl gets notorious in this town there’s just no place to hide.’

‘Are you in trouble?’

‘Certainly not! I always insist they wear a condom.’

‘Anyway, I’ve applied for this civil service position …’

‘Good for you! At least someone’s going to be earning an honest living. I mean what we do isn’t strictly against the law, but you’d think from the way they carry on that we were selling secrets to the Russians, dear, although from what I hear some of those Russians have ways of getting a girl to talk, and you know me, I just can’t keep my mouth shut when that sort of thing is on offer. Oh! Boris! What do you want to know?’ He shrieked with laughter and started coughing. ‘I need a drink. Come on.’

‘Stephen …’

‘What?’

‘Sit down for a minute.’

‘Oh dear. Is it bad news?’

‘Of course not. I just wondered if I might possibly stay for a couple of nights. You know, you were always saying …’

‘But darling the place is such a dump at the moment.’

‘I could help you clear it up. Just while I have the interview and the entrance board.’