Tears welled in Bowman’s eyes at the memory. He struggled to go on.

‘I found them at home. I’ll never forget that scene. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think about it. They took my wife, tied her up and carved a clown’s smile on her face from ear to ear. Then they slit my daughter’s throat and let her bleed out on the kitchen floor. Made my wife watch the life drain out of our beautiful little girl. Then they blew Amy’s brains out. Left them there for me to find, like some sick present.’

‘Christ, mate. I’m sorry.’

‘Not your fault.’

‘I know. But still.’ Loader hesitated. ‘Didn’t they arrest the bastards who did it?’

‘There was a big investigation. We all knew who was responsible. Everyone wanted to nail them. It wasn’t for a lack of trying. But the Crown Prosecution Service felt the case was too weak. Too many flaws, not a reasonable likelihood of a conviction.’

‘Jesus. I didn’t know that part of it.’

Bowman sighed and said, ‘What happened, it messed with my head. Nothing could shut out the pain. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think. Then someone offered me a pill. Said it would make it all go away. That’s how it started. I used the pills for a few months, cleaned up my act and joined the army. Did my time in SFSG, passed Selection. Everything was rosy. I managed to stay off the pills. For a while.’

‘Why’d you get back on it?’

‘Iraq. All that high-intensity warfare. You remember what it was like out there, mate.’

Loader nodded with feeling. ‘Yeah, I do.’

‘I was stressed, exhausted. Burning the candle at both ends. Some of the guys we were working with in Delta Force were using a cocktail of drugs just to get from one day to the next. So I got back on the stuff again. Since then, it’s been on and off. Sometimes I’m clean. Sometimes not.’

‘Iraq was a long time ago,’ Loader countered. ‘You can’t blame it on the war. We were all there. Not all of us turned into fucking junkies.’

‘You don’t understand, Tiny. No one plans on becoming an addict. But once you get hooked, it turns into an obsession. Getting pills, making sure you’ve got enough to last the day, it’s all you care about.’

‘That’s what has been on your mind since we left London?’ The anger in Loader’s voice was so sharp you could cut glass with it. ‘When you can get your next high?’

‘It’s not about that, mate. I’m taking this stuff to feel normal. That’s it.’

‘So kick it. If it ain’t about getting high, stop doing it.’