The only thing that ended up calming me down was going over the tarot cards, sitting in Charvan’s back bench under the warm glow of the string lights. I focused on The Lovers for what must have been hours. This was one of the cards the toolset singled out, the one marked with invisible coordinates for the missing Princess of Cups. But really, I fixated on this card because The Lovers was Grandma’s Major Arcana expression, standing for relationships and love and flow—just like she did. I couldn’t stop asking myself: What would she make of all this, if she were still here?

Right now, as we drive through the mountain pass behind Santa Barbara, everything feels collected into a pool stagnating in my brain. The panic has finally dissipated from my system, but in its wake I feel flattened.

The sun just begins to rise over the peaks around Charvan. Our surroundings are stunning on this winding valley road nestled between the steep hills. All around there’s craggy brown and leafy green and even the shimmering blue of a hidden lake, dazzling in the morning sunshine. Still, all I can think about is our night in the desert. I now sit in one of the back seats beside Cleo, willing myself to finally start speaking.

“Okay, I know we’re all tired,” I say, my tone dull and cool. “But we should really talk before we get to Solvang.”

“Chase, I really need to know how you could give the Prince away without even asking me first,” I say, the words practically tumbling out of my mouth on their own.

Click here

“Chase, I’m not sure it was right to take the Prince. And we paid the price for your decision,” I say, the words practically tumbling out of my mouth on their own.

Click here

Maybe a better-rested version of myself could temper my reaction, but this version is majorly depleted.

“Right, because how could I ever make an independent decision without clearing it with you first?” Chase snaps from the front seat.

I know Chase. So I know he only gets defensive like this when he thinks he might have screwed up. But right now, that’s not enough.

“No, don’t do that,” I return. “You know what you did was selfish. You know what this deck means to me.”

Chase turns in his chair to face me.

“Of course I do. Why do you think I let you off the hook that way, not having to make that kind of impossible choice?”

“Is that what you think you did?”