“So it’s vengeance and a pity party at the same time,” Hugh said.

“No. It’s not vengeance. It’s prevention. I want to kill Roland so there will never be another me.”

“That would be a tragedy,” Hugh said.

“That would be a blessing,” I said.

“Let the shapeshifter sail off,” Hugh said. “Stay with me for a while. No strings attached. No obligations or expectations. See if I can change your mind.”

“I thought we already covered that ground. It wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“What’s holding you to him? The man does care about you in his own stunted way, but you will never fit in with them, Kate. Deep down you know this. They’ll always look on you as if you’re a dangerous freak. People fear what they can’t understand, but they can work with it. Animals can’t. They shun the strange or try to destroy it. You can bleed for them for a hundred years and you won’t change their minds. Make one small misstep and they will turn on you.”

I turned and looked at the sea. Curran would fight to his last breath to protect me. If I asked Derek to walk into fire, he would do it. But then again there was Doolittle looking at me with horror in his eyes . . .

“It’s slipping,” he said.

I arched my eyebrow at him.

“Your cloak,” he said. “Some of your power is showing. Just how much are you hiding?”

“I guess you’ll never know,” I told him.

Hugh rested his elbows on a table. “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

“If Roland doesn’t find me?”

“Yes.”

“In the Keep, doing what I’m doing now.”

“How long will that last, Kate?”

“Hopefully for a long, long time.”

“You’re lying to yourself. Voron made us into serial killers. We can be okay without violence for a few weeks, but after a couple of months, the hand starts itching for the sword. You start looking for that rush. You get irritable, life turns stale, and then one day some fool crosses your path, attacks, and as you cut him down, you feel that short moment of struggle when he leverages his life against yours. If you’re lucky, he’s very good and the fight lasts a few seconds. But even if it doesn’t, that short moment of triumph is like getting an adrenaline shot. Suddenly color comes back into life, food tastes better, sleep is deeper, and sex is rapture.”

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I lived it and I felt it.