‘How was your flight, kiddo?’ Andy took my bag off my shoulder, and put it on his own. He seemed surprised by how heavy it was, and went, ‘Whoa, what’ve you got in here, anyway? You know it’s a felony to smuggle New York City fire hydrants across state lines.’

I smiled at him. Andy’s this really big goof, but he’s a nice big goof. He wouldn’t have the slightest idea what constitutes a felony in the state of New York since he’s only been there like five times. Which was, incidentally, exactly how many visits it took him to convince my mother to marry him.

‘It’s not a fire hydrant,’ I said. ‘It’s a parking meter. And I have four more bags.’

‘Four?’ Andy pretended he was shocked. ‘What do you think you’re doing, moving in, or something?’

Did I mention that Andy thinks he’s a comedian? He’s not. He’s a carpenter.

‘Suze,’ Doc said, all enthusiastically. ‘Suze, did you notice that as you were landing, the tail of the plane kicked up a little? That was from an updraft. It’s caused when a mass moving at a considerable rate of speed encounters a counter-blowing wind velocity of equal or greater strength.’

Doc, Andy’s youngest kid, is twelve, but he’s going on about forty. He spent almost the entire wedding reception telling me about alien cattle mutilation, and how Area 51 is just this big cover-up by the American government, which doesn’t want us to know that We Are Not Alone.

‘Oh, Suzie,’ my mom kept saying. ‘I’m so glad you’re here. You’re just going to love the house. It just didn’t feel like home at first, but now that you’re here . . . Oh, and wait until you’ve seen your room. Andy’s fixed it up so nice . . .’

Andy and my mom spent weeks before they got married looking for a house big enough for all four kids to have their own rooms. They finally settled on this huge house in the hills of Carmel, which they’d only been able to afford because they’d bought it in this completely wretched state, and this construction company Andy does a lot of work for fixed it up at this big discount rate. My mom had been going on for days about my room, which she keeps swearing is the nicest one in the house.

‘The view!’ she kept saying. ‘An ocean view from the big bay window in your room! Oh, Suze, you’re going to love it.’

I was sure I was going to love it. About as much as I was going to love giving up bagels for alfalfa sprouts, and the subway for surfing, and all that sort of stuff.

For some reason, Dopey opened his mouth, and went ‘Do you like the sign?’ in that stupid voice of his. I can’t believe he’s my age. He’s on the school wrestling team, though, so what can you expect? All he ever thinks about, from what I could tell when I had to sit next to him at the wedding reception – I had to sit between him and Doc, so you can imagine how the conversation just flowed – is choke holds and bodybuilding protein shakes.