I don’t know what to wear to the Dream Bear Factory audition.

Kate told me to put on something “bright and cheerful, maybe with unicorns.” Now who’s taking the piss?

Everything I own is black featuring designer cat hair. I could always put on my school jumper, but that’s just cringe.

I suppose I should ask Kate to drive me home home so I can raid my closet. But to be honest, I don’t even know what I’ve got at home home anymore.

I could also go to Primark and buy something, but I hate Primark. Not because of child labor, but because the average customer appears to lose control of all motor functions, and when you go in there after school, everything’s on the floor.

PS: Child labor is also not okay. Obviously.

Friday, February 9 #TickTickBoom

Kate did a pretend audition with me earlier, in preparation for tomorrow. She’s totally serious about it being serious, and even though she’s usually crazy and scary, she got very crazy and very scary (and very Scottish).

She pretended to be Miss Dream Bear Factory, thanking me “beary” much for my application. She even printed off my CV and had a pen at the ready.

Kate: Is it Phoebe Alexandra or just Phoebe?

Me: Just Phoebe.

Kate: All right, Phoebe. I’m going to ask you a series of questions. They’re all pretty standard, but you’re welcome to take your time answering them.

Me: Okay.

Kate (rolling every r in the most ridiculous way): Describe a time you had a disagreement with a fellow team member. What did you do to overcome it?

Me: I’m at school, so I don’t really have team members.

Kate (writing something down): Okay. Tell me about a time you went above and beyond to meet a customer’s expectations.

Me: I’m at school. I don’t really have customers. I don’t know how to answer that.

Kate (writing something): Would you consider yourself a team player, or do you prefer working on your own?

Me: I don’t know.

Kate: What are you most proud of? Please elaborate.

Me: Oh my God, Kate, I don’t know. These are stupid questions. Seriously, what do you want me to say?

Kate put her pen down and was like: “Fer goodness’ sake, Phoebe, just make something up. What did I tell you about ticking bloody boxes? Tick, tick, tick. Tell them what they want to hear. ‘How did you solve a disagreement with a fellow team member?’ ‘Well, Miss Dream Bear Factory, I think communication is at the heart of a functioning working relationship.’ ‘Are you a team player?’ ‘Yes, but I also enjoy working on my own.’ ‘What are you proud of?’ ‘That time I helped a blind person across the road.’ Jesus Christ, pet, pull yerself together.”

At that point she’d gone so Scottish that the BBC would have given her subtitles.

Then she said: “Might I suggest you think long and hard about how you would answer those questions?”