Anyway, I ended up spending seven minutes in the loo with James Monahan.

I suppose it was okay. Not that I would EVER have sex with him, because I basically don’t even know him, and why would I want to snog a random person right next to a toilet? But we both like Doctor Who, so we talked about the latest series, and we agreed it was excellent.

When we came out, it was clear that no snogging/sex had taken place, and the only person who spoke to me all night after that was Annie, who also has no friends, although I think she’s a bit more tragic, because she never had any to start with, and she only gets invited because she brings booze (and nobody knows where she gets it from, which adds mystery, and people love that).

We sat on the sofa together and watched one happy couple after the other disappear into the toilet and reappear again seven minutes later.

Yawn.

Miriam Patel and Jacob went in together, and when they came back out, Miriam was all like: Look at me, don’t look at me, and then Annie went: “Miriam, come here.” And Miriam obviously thought that Annie wanted to hear details, but then Annie gently raised her hand to Miriam’s face and casually picked a pube off her cheek.

I was like: “Ew, you have a pube on your face?” And you know what happened next? Instead of everyone going: That’s disgusting, a pube was stuck to your face, everyone went: “OMG, how amazing. Miriam Patel had an actual pube on her face.”

I left thirty seconds later.

On the bus I was thinking, you know, there I was, sitting with Annie, wishing for a millisecond that I was popular, but if I was the popular girl, I’d be the girl with a pube on her face.

Also: I can solve a complex mathematical equation, I know about the chemistry behind love and lust, and I have a deep understanding of the difference between there, their, and they’re. I don’t want a medal or anything, but why are people being idolized for having pubes on their face?

Sunday, February 4 #MoreLies

Polly texted to ask how the party was, and I was going to be all hateful like: Maybe you should have gone instead of joining Tristan’s family on a day trip to his grandparents’ house not even five weeks into your brand-new relationship. But I ended up telling her the party was actually really good.

I don’t know why I’m lying. It’s not that I’m desperate to become best mates with Pube-Face Patel.

Monday, February 5 #CrispGate

Miriam Patel has turned into some sort of celebrity after getting the pube stuck to her face, and Polly is still wandering around like a zombie looking for Tristan if she’s not already latched on, so my goal today was to speak to no one at school.