Me: I thought you’re not supposed to lie on your CV.

Kate: We’re stretching the truth, Phoebe. It’s not the same.

Me: Always looking to build a positive rapport with my customers? I hate people.

Kate: You’re the one who wants to venture out into the corporate world, pet, and let me tell you: There are rules. You need to walk the walk, you need to talk the talk. It may all be a big bucket of bullshit, but the only way to success is by ticking all their boxes.

Me (looking at my CV): This ticks boxes?

Kate (making ticks in the air): Tick, tick, and bloody tick.

PS: I’m not sure I want to tick boxes.

Saturday, January 27 #IncestAlert

I tried to apply for jobs online today, but I ended up accidentally Instagram-stalking Emma. I’ve been thinking about her, but only because I basically don’t get why she’d want to volunteer at that place. First I thought she was doing the Duke of Edinburgh award program, but Kate told me Emma’s been there for months, and I think for the Duke of Edinburgh you only have to be there for a couple of hours.

It took me ages to find her on Instagram.

Annoyingly, her account is private, and all I can see is her picture, which is of her and what must be her boyfriend dressed up as Luke and Leia from Star Wars, which is a bit wrong, because Luke and Leia are actually brother and sister.

I wonder how long they’ve been together.

PS: Emma looks amazing as Princess Leia.

PPS: I wonder who Luke is.

Sunday, January 28 #MyOwnBestFriend

I asked Kate if she thinks it’s okay Mum’s always dumping me at her house, and she was like: “I actually love it when you stay with me, Phoebs, so yes, it’s better than okay.”

Then I asked if she thinks it’s okay that Mum’s currently en route to Syria, of all places, and she said: “Your mum’s my best friend in the whole wide world, and I may not always agree with her, but I’m always on her side. Do you know what I mean?”

I don’t.

And I’m not just saying that to be difficult.

Monday, January 29 #InYourFace

Miriam Patel invited me to Jacob’s party next weekend, and because I was standing with Polly and Training Wheels (who are now one singular entity because they are literally always attached) at the time, I was just like: “Thanks, I’d love to come.”

Later Polly said she thought I hated parties, but I was like: “No, I don’t,” which is a blatant lie, because there’s literally nothing that repels me more.

Tuesday, January 30 #SorryNotSorry

Today at lunch, Miriam Patel went on and on about how her and Jacob are sleeping together but aren’t “official,” and that that’s totally okay for them.