When I finally relented and accepted his offer of support, I found Marguerite first thing. She was young and willing, with black hair, a fair heart-shaped face, and dark, shining eyes. She became devoted to Fanny, and vice versa, and eager to help with anything. I could write again, study my French, take walks, shop alone, and go to soirées and salons, where I was greeted as “Mrs. Imlay,” which made me feel that it was true enough, in the way I needed it then. I didn’t want to be legally bound, but the solace of his company, the thrill of his physical being, I couldn’t live without. I would rather die than have him fall in love with someone else, as I often convinced myself he had, and I thought sometimes he hinted at. I made it a point to meet new people, and felt my old charms returning. Men were drawn to me, but I only taunted Imlay with them, and was faithful.

That winter was the coldest anyone could remember. Bread was dearer than ever, meat scarce, hardly a vegetable to be found. People burned their furniture for warmth. My spirits sank, and not even Fanny’s sweet temper could revive them. A virulent cold took hold of my lungs, and I worried I might die and leave her alone in the world without any parent at all. In one of my darkest nights, I wrote Imlay that if anything happened to me, he must promise that Fanny would stay in France, with the German family, because she would be freer there, and feel loved.

I had a letter from him right away: “Business alone has kept me from you. Come to any port, and I will fly down to my two dear girls with a heart all their own!” What had my imagination done to me? How sick was my mind that I let myself doubt him so thoroughly? I felt confused and hopeful all at once. England held no appeal for me, not anymore. But Imlay was there, and he was calling us to him.

We sailed for England in April, with Marguerite so violently seasick, and Fanny restless and mad, that I felt I had to hold them both together for the long passage. Here I was again on choppy seas, heading for an uncertain future, to a country I no longer loved. The only thing that got me through was a vision of Imlay spotting me in the crowd coming off the ship, pushing his way through, and pulling me into his arms.