As of today, I’m Si’s flatmate. Sounds like a step backwards, right? A regression to student life, or a refusal to grow up? I assure you, it’s the opposite. You see, Si’s never at home these days – he spends the majority of his time at Malcolm’s mews house in Hampstead. I mean, who wouldn’t? I spent a weekend there recently and as the log fire burnt bright, casting an orange haze across his immaculately kept bookshelves, I expected Emma Thompson to pop over with an apple pie or Bill Nighy to rock up and give us a well-meaning back-handed compliment. Anyway, Si’s old flatmate has relocated to Scotland, so he had a spare room with an en suite bathroom to fill. I’m not joking when I say this room is bigger than that whole basement flat. My plan is to flatshare and save, so I can get a deposit together for my own place and finally get on the property ladder.

I’ll unpack the boxes later. My clothes are already hanging up and I run my fingers along the garments, unsure whether to change my outfit. I’m wearing a neon-pink jumper with denim miniskirt, tights and boots. It’s the neon pink I’m unsure about. I’m going to a gender reveal party. I don’t want to look like I’m hoping for the baby to be a girl. Plus if the baby is a girl, doesn’t neon pink scream gender stereotype? Help! I’m a gender reveal party virgin. What’s the vibe? At least it’s not a baby shower. They are, by far, the most difficult social events to nail. I mean, there’s usually booze for all except the mama-to-be, but nobody drinks it. There’s always games, and they always suck. Guessing the size of the bump? Please, somebody tell me, who the fuck thought that was a bright idea for shits and giggles? And talking of shits, the last baby shower I went to had real nappies open on the nibbles table filled with Malteasers.

Ah, fuck it. I’m sticking with the pink. It goes great with my hair. It’s currently an ashy-grey silver, and honestly, I love it.

Do you know what else I love?

The picture of the man sat in the shopping trolley.

Thanks to Justin, it now has a whole new meaning.

So, yeah, I finally read his message.