‘Picture Gracie turning her hand to deliciously moist dishes, served with spicy banter on the side…’ Her voice is like dripping honey.

When Faith turns to me, her cat-eyes, which run the spectrum from gold to green, are luminous amber.

‘You mean food porn?’ Timothy is first to query, not entirely awkwardly, but having first cleared his throat.

‘I’m not suggesting Gracie serving up meatballs wearing nothing but her best silk panties,’ Faith bats back, clearly enjoying herself. ‘But PG-rated food porn? Sure. Let’s go with that.’

Speechless in my defence, I gulp at the air I’m trying to breathe.

For starters, I don’t own any silk panties – not that my underwear is all Bridget Jonesy big pants.

Timothy shuffles in his seat.

Joanna gives him a knowing pat on the arm, unperturbed.

Faith turns and winks at me.

When we get out of here, I’m going to throttle her.

‘You could be on to something,’ Joanna says. ‘Maybe… I’m not sure.’ She checks me out from top to bottom. ‘You look… different. Not like on your show.’

‘Oh, um…’ I’m unsure how to respond. Is this a compliment? Joanna rests a steely gaze on my Jimmy Choo-heeled feet. The shoes are grand. What does she think of the rest of me?

‘I tell you what I’ll do, ladies,’ she says. ‘Show me what you mean by steamy. Make me… hungry… and we may have ourselves a deal.’ She rolls her eyes to the ceiling. ‘We’re running out of fresh ideas around here otherwise. And never let it be said I don’t love a challenge,’ she adds, looking coolly – but not, I think, coldly – at me.

I’m wondering how to respond to this ludicrous proposal, and still keep my job, when Brian protests vehemently, ‘Now, hang on a minute, Joanna…’ At the top table, a fierce debate erupts regarding the correct process for contract renewals and who is authorised to do what. Under the cover of Brian’s petition, Faith returns to our table.

‘Faith, what are you playing at?’ I hiss as she sits down. Everyone up the front is speaking over the other. ‘I didn’t know you were being serious earlier. Now look what you’ve done.’

‘Gracie, this is good. I think Joanna’s on board.’ Faith is so pleased with herself. ‘She was about to axe you on the spot. What did you want me to do?’

I tell Faith I would have preferred she hadn’t mentioned the words ‘steamy’ and especially not ‘moist’ in the same sentence with regards to me doing anything recorded for television.

‘The sexy angle was your idea,’ Faith reminds me, unhelpfully.

‘Jordan’s, actually,’ I remind her.