Kokoro had no clue how her mother interpreted the shoes being there. She might very well think Kokoro had worn other shoes and gone out.

‘Kokoro.’

Her mother’s eyes looked puzzled. Kokoro saw them and realized, with horror, that her mother no longer trusted her.

‘I told you, didn’t I? That I’m not blaming you? If you’re able to go out, I think that’s great. But where did you—’

‘I just went out for a bit, that’s all!’

Not true.

As she got this lie out, she felt she couldn’t breathe.

She hadn’t wanted to say it.

The truth was that Kokoro could no longer go outside.

On the high street, under the blazing sun, and where even the lighting in the convenience store was too glaring, just glimpsing the jerseys of the older boys from her school was enough to make her freeze. She really wished her mother could understand the distress she’d felt then. But all she could tell her was that she’d gone out. And this made her feel awful. Truly awful.

She was so terrified of going outside, and didn’t want her mother to think she was like other kids, able to go out whenever they felt like it.

She’d said she wasn’t angry, so why her mother’s huge sigh?

‘Do you want to try going to the alternative School one more time?’

That was all it took for Kokoro to feel a weight in the pit of her stomach. Registering her silence, her mother continued, ‘Do you remember Ms Kitajima from the time we visited the School?’

The young teacher who’d shown Kokoro around. The one who’d remarked, So Kokoro, I understand you’re a student at Yukishina No. 5 Junior High School? Kokoro recalled the name tag on her chest, with her name and a portrait of her drawn by one of her pupils.

I went there too, she’d said, and smiled kindly. Kokoro had been so jealous of her then, an adult who never had to go to that junior high ever again. The woman’s short hair made her look so confident – and Kokoro had decided, No, she’s not at all like me.

‘Ms Kitajima said she’d love to talk to you again.’

Her mother gazed at Kokoro. Just as Kokoro had sensed, her mother seemed to be still in touch with the teacher, even though Kokoro wasn’t going to the School. After a silence, her mother continued, ‘The teacher said it’s not your fault at all that you can’t go to school. She was worried that something must have happened.’

Kokoro’s eyes widened ever so slightly.

‘She often reminds me, It’s not Kokoro-chan’s fault. As her mother, you shouldn’t ever get upset or blame her. That’s why, even though there are things I’d like to ask you, I’ve been holding back.’

If she was holding back, then why reveal all this stuff now? Her mother looked seriously at her.