‘The kings are over on the far wall,’ Mrs Chessington sallied forth, gesturing, this time like an air hostess pointing out the emergency exits. ‘You might want to think about pocket springs then,’ she continued, beckoning them to follow her, ‘two ample gentlemen like yourselves.’ She paused, smiled a syrupy smile, and coughed, ‘Well, you’ll need a mattress that will give each of you independent support wherever you need it. Pocket sprung mattresses take up the profile of your body and every time you change your position the mattress will cleverly adjust with you. Do come this way.’

Tom knew that Dafydd wanted to leave the store; he knew, too, that they probably wouldn’t buy a bed there, but once he’d started playing with Mrs Chessington the sport was just too much fun to blow the whistle on. Tom put his arm through Dafydd’s and ignoring his resistance, pulled him after the saleswoman towards the king-size beds. Dafydd’s discomfort grew when he noticed other customers trying too hard not to stare. Mrs Chessington, redoubtable in her olive green two-piece, described how honeycomb nested pocket springs made for a bed that was individually responsive, and how the shock waves generated as one person moved were not transmitted through the bed to disturb their sleeping partner. And like a game-show hostess announcing the star prize, she began the final movement of her sales overture.

‘This one is a beautiful example of all the features I’ve mentioned and the English craftsmanship is outstanding.’ She ran her fingers along the mattress and with exaggerated reassurance she said, ‘It’s a good eight inches deep, with these three rows of hand stitching to secure the outer springs to the border so it stays firm to the very edge. The five foot in this range has 2,346 springs, and the more springs you have, the greater the support and comfort.’ Patting the damask covering with its floral motifs, encouraging each of them to feel its luxuriousness, she continued, ‘It’s an absolutely gorgeous mattress, gentlemen, upholstered with the finest quality cotton felt and 4.6 ounces of hand-teased, long-stranded, black horsehair, blended with 3 ounces of the purest lambswool to every square foot.’ Tom nodded his faked mindfulness while Mrs Chessington instructed, ‘Now, of course gentlemen, the only way you can know if a bed is right for you, is to lie on it. That’s why we put these transparent plastic sheets over the bottom half of the mattresses.’ And shifting again into airhostess drill she gestured them both to lay beside one another with, ‘This particular manufacturer recommends that you take up your usual sleeping position for between ten and fifteen minutes.’ And after the briefest of pauses, in which even Tom was lost for words, she said, ‘Think about it, gentlemen. I’ll give you a minute or two and I’ll see if Mr Morgan is free to assist you further.’

‘Come on, let’s cuddle up,’ Tom said with a smile after she’d left.

‘God, don’t you think I’m embarrassed enough? You’ve already drawn more than enough attention to us for one afternoon….’