“Is this okay?” Theo mumbled against my mouth. “Do you still want to kiss?”

In answer, I licked his lips, and he pushed me against the counter with his hips, rubbing our hard shafts through our practice pants. He pulled back, his eyes dark and searching.

“Do you want to go to bed? Can we get naked?”

A memory yanked through me with barbed hooks. I hesitated.

“We don’t have to. It’s okay. Whatever you want to do. Or not do.” Theo peered at me carefully. “I know you said you’ve done stuff before, but—”

“I’m not a virgin.”

“Okay, but if it’s too much—”

“It’s not.”

I tugged him by the hand across the living room. I’d flipped on the kitchen light, but the rest of the condo was still in darkness, the distant lights from other buildings twinkling through the window, thick snow falling.

I paused again. Evaluating. Was it too much? Did I want to be naked with Theo? I inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly.

Yes.

I wanted this. I wanted to be with him. I was ready. Almost ripping my shirt, I grabbed the hem and tugged it off over my head. Theo grinned, and we stripped off everything. Standing naked under his avid gaze, my face burned, but I didn’t give in to the persistent temptation to hide.

What exactly did I want to do? Feel Theo’s naked body against mine? Yes. Heart pounding, I leaned back against my pillows, pulling him along with me. He straddled my hips and leaned low, but hesitated.

“Do you want me to fuck you? Or do you want to fuck me? Or we can just keep doing what we’re doing.”

“Why do we have to talk about it?”

I’d been fine a second ago, but my lungs seized, and all I could think about was him. What a fool I’d made of myself those years ago in Vancouver. I believed Theo was different, but suddenly the tender way he was looking at me was too much.

I said, “We can do whatever you want.”

Theo straightened, still sitting over my hips. He smoothed a warm palm down my chest. “You’re all tensed up. I know you don’t like talking, and I know, I know, you said you’re not a virgin. But I want to make sure this is good for you. I’m trying to understand what’s going on in your head.”

I forced a breath, trying not to think about what happened before. I knew I should have been over it by now. That most people would be able to move on after years. Had it really even been that bad?

I squeezed my eyes shut against the flashes of memory. I hated myself for being so gullible then, and now the doubt crept in. Did Theo really want me?

“You can tell me anything. I won’t judge, I swear.” He brushed back my hair, his face pinched in concern. “Did something…happen?”

“No.” That was the one thing I’d never talk about. The one thing I never wanted Theo to learn. The idea of him knowing made acrid bile rise in my throat. I couldn’t bear it. That humiliation should have been mine alone.