“No!” everybody yells in tandem. “Not Callista!” That woman’s name is a plague, a dark shadow on Hughes history. Grandma even hired a witch to keep her out of our lives for good, so I know somebody with the name Moon Goddess in their screen name is about to receive a scathing review on Yelp.

He bounds over. “Don’t show anything to my wife. She’ll leave me. I’m already paying a fortune in alimony and child support.” He eyes my phone beadily, as if he can snatch it and delete whatever evidence I’m harboring.

“Oh, Felix.” Mom’s head drops to one side in disappointment. “What are you doing? I thought you were finally over that.”

“You two were a nightmare,” Dad rejoins. “I can’t go through it again. I can’t.”

From a corner, Kaia strums her guitar and sings lowly, “Chea-ea-eating, chea-ea-eating, Felix’s wives are flee-ee-eeing.”

“I have to keep the lines of communication open with Callista,” Felix interjects. Loudly. Whenever he knows he’s in the wrong, he cranks up his volume. “We have . . .” His eyes shoot up to the ceiling as he calculates. “Two kids together. I told Marilou from the beginning that she has to respect the relationships I have with my kids’ mothers. Those are protected bonds, to ensure healthy co-parenting.” For Felix, co-parenting means he gets to see the majority of his kids one weekend out of every month. He also gets them all for the whole week of Christmas and then for two weeks in summer to celebrate his birthday.

“You don’t have any kids with Callista,” Athena points out. Felix glares at her. He was clearly banking on his relationship and co-parenting history being so convoluted that we’d mix up who the mothers of his children are.

Felix and Callista are a match made in hell. They get back together every other year or so, after sabotaging each other’s healthier relationships, only to break up all over again. They’ve divorced twice. The second judge begged them to stay apart. “After the last intervention, you swore you were finished. What are you doing talking to her about my engagement?” I snap. Hall, in the process of building Marshmallow Fluff snowmen with two of my nieces, freezes in place. Stares at the ginormous ring on my left hand, as though he’d forgotten our ruse. “Callista posted it all over the Internet! She has no business doing that! You had no business telling her!”

“Why shouldn’t I tell her about your joyful news?” he replies defensively. “What are you hiding?” He points at Hall, face contorting. “I don’t like that guy. I wanna know more about this supposed ‘movie.’ ” Hall’s mouth opens, but Felix plows on: “And you’re not even an actress, Bettie.”

Aren’t I?

“I’m telling Marilou,” I say prissily, twitching my eye at Hall and pointing my finger at the floor. He obediently hurries over to stand at my side for backup. “She deserves to know.”

“Do it. Do it, and I swear to God I will gouge your eyes out.”