Crier was silent. Her eyes never left Ayla’s face.

“Because I wanted revenge,” Ayla said, returning her gaze. She would look Crier in the eyes for this; she would not flinch away or hide. “I wanted to do to him what he had done to me. I wanted to find what was most important to him, and I wanted to kill it.”

“That was the real reason,” Crier said, voice cracking. “That was why you—that night. It wasn’t just to set off my chime. Oh, gods.” Then she paused, confusion breaking through the horror. “But—the first time we met, you saved my life. Why?”

“I have asked myself that question countless times,” Ayla said softly. “And . . . I don’t know. I hated you then, I really did. Maybe it was instinct, maybe it was . . . gods, I don’t know. I couldn’t let you die that night on the cliffs, and I couldn’t kill you later. I thought I’d be able to. I thought—after Rowan died, I thought the anger and grief would be enough, but they weren’t. I know that now. Even if you hadn’t woken up, I would’ve run.”

“Why?” Crier whispered. “Why couldn’t you do it?”

Because. Because. Because.

“A lot of reasons,” said Ayla. She reached for Crier’s hand again, cupping it between both of her own. “Some I’m still trying to figure out. But. In the end . . . ah, hell. Do you want to know something embarrassing?”

Crier choked out a laugh. “Embarrassing?”

“To me,” Ayla clarified. “You’ve got to understand: I wanted revenge for so long. Seven years of wanting it, seven years of dreaming about it, seven years of promising myself I’ll avenge them, I’ll make him sorry, I’ll make him suffer . . . and in the end . . . I just don’t think I have it in me. That’s the embarrassing thing. The humiliating, awful, secret thing. I never could have done it. Even if it hadn’t been you lying in that bed, even if you were exactly like your father, even if you were cruel and monstrous and everything else I expected you to be, I don’t think I could have killed you.” Her eyes were burning. “I’m a coward. I’m weak.”

“You’re not,” Crier said immediately. “Not a coward. Never a coward. Strength isn’t measured by the ability to cause harm.”

“Rowan was part of the Resistance,” Ayla said, barely hearing her. “She was a leader, a fighter, she wanted your Kind gone, or at least, not in control of us. She wanted to liberate us. And she did things she didn’t want to do. She became things she didn’t want to become or—things she shouldn’t have had to become. For our sake, for the greater good, for the future of my people. And I was supposed to kill you, I was supposed to want to kill you, and I couldn’t do it. Our mission that night failed because of me. I ruined everything.”