“An excellent idea,” Laurie agreed. “I wish I could do the same.”

“We’ve talked about it, Laurie. You could go back to work. We’d hire nurses. Maybe it would be better for you.”

Laurie shook her head. “You know me, Jack. I couldn’t. I have to see this through, no matter what. I’d never forgive myself.” She looked down at the seemingly peaceful sleeping baby, his slightly bulging eyes thankfully lost in shadow. She caught her breath as a sudden rush of emotion overtook her, as it unpredictably did on occasion. She’d wanted a child so much. She never imagined she’d have a child who’d suffer as much as JJ, and yet he was only four months old. She too struggled with guilt, but unlike Jack, she’d found at least some solace in religion. She’d been brought up a Catholic, now lapsed. Still, she wanted to believe in God, did so in a vague way, and managed to think of herself as a Christian. She secretly prayed for JJ, but at the same time, she couldn’t understand how a supreme being would allow evil like children’s cancer, particularly neuroblastoma, to exist.

Jack detected the change in Laurie’s state of mind from the sound of her breathing. Choking back tears himself, he put his arm over his wife’s shoulder and followed her line of sight back down to John Junior.

“The hardest thing for me at this point,” Laurie managed, wiping away tears, “is the feeling that we are treading water. Right now, while we wait for his allergy to mouse protein to abate, we’re not treating him. Orthodox medicine has, in a way, abandoned us. It’s so frustrating! I felt so positive when we started the monoclonal antibody. It made so much more sense to me than the shotgun approach with chemotherapy, especially for a rapidly growing infant. Chemo goes after every growing cell, while the antibody goes after only the cancer cells.”

Jack wanted to respond but couldn’t. All he could do was agree with what Laurie had said by nodding his head. Besides, he knew that if he tried to talk at that point, he’d get choked up.

“The irony is that this is one of conventional medicine’s failures,” Laurie said, regaining some emotional control. “When evidence-based medicine runs into a snag, the patient suffers, as does the family, by being put out in the proverbial cold.”

Jack nodded again. What Laurie was saying was unfortunately true.

“Have you ever thought of some sort of alternative or complementary medicine for JJ?” Laurie asked. “I mean, just while our hands are tied in relation to the monoclonal antibody treatment?”

Jack raised his eyebrows and gazed at Laurie in shocked surprise. “Are you serious?”

Laurie shrugged. “I don’t know much about it, to be truthful. I’ve never tried it, unless you count vitamin supplements. Nor have I read much about it. As far as I know, it’s all voodoo except for a few pharmacologically active plants.”

“That’s my sense as well. It’s all based on the placebo effect, as far as I know. I’ve also never been interested to read about it, much less try it. I think it’s for those people who have more hope than common sense, or for those people who are actively looking to be scammed. On top of that, I guess it’s for those who are desperate.”