“Anyhow,” Jack said, “he reached puberty without much preparation, maybe none. As he tells it, it is rather humorous if nothing else. Apparently, he masturbated the first time by accident and utter surprise. He was in the shower, and he was washing his privates such that the cleaner they got, the better it felt, until he had an orgasm, which he described as divine pleasure. For obvious reasons, that episode ushered in a proclivity for taking showers, up to three a day, which made him feel closer to God and all the saints than he ever had previously.”

James found himself chuckling despite his general unease. He could clearly see Shawn telling such a story, as he was a gifted raconteur. A moment later he quieted, as he feared how the story was about to unfold.

“Apparently,” Jack continued, “it was several blissful weeks later that he came in contact with the teaching of the pope he mentioned tonight.”

“You mean Pope Gregory the Great?” James asked.

“I believe that’s the one,” Jack said. “Was he as negative about sex as Shawn suggested?”

“He was,” James admitted.

“Anyway,” Jack continued, “Shawn described the collision with the supposed antimasturbation dogma of the Church and his own sense of experiencing the divine as cataclysmic, especially learning that to receive the Eucharist he had to confess every episode of self-gratification and every unclean thought, such as fantasizing about Elaine Smith’s ass.”

“Was Elaine Smith’s ass something to admire?”

“According to Shawn and the number of times he had to confess he’d fantasized about giving it a good look.”

“I know this amusing anecdote has to be going somewhere bad, so let’s hear it.”

“Shawn said he struggled with this epic battle for as much as six months, trying to regain his chaste life so as to be in accordance with Church dogma. To do so required him to confess his transgressions week after week, such that to remember what he’d done when he got into the confessional, he began to keep a very accurate diary of his masturbation episodes, which had moved out of the shower because, as he said, his skin became too dry. As for his unclean thoughts, they had expanded to take in more parts of Elaine Smith’s supposedly enchanting anatomy.”

“You’re dragging this out,” James complained.

“Okay,” Jack agreed. “Sorry. As I said, this battle went on for months, with Shawn doing his best to remember everything he did and confess it each Friday in minute detail.”

“And?” James asked impatiently.

“Shawn began to notice that the two priests who normally heard confessions began to get progressively interested.”

“Good Lord, no!” James uttered.

“Don’t get upset,” Jack warned. “Nothing really happened, at least overtly.”

“Thank God!”