“The operative word, I’d say, is ‘chose.’ She chose to hurt, you chose not to be hurt.”

“That’s accurate.”

“But you haven’t been able to keep it up. You risked being hurt with Seth. And you’re risking being hurt with me.” He touched her cheek. “I don’t want to hurt you, Sybill.”

It was very likely too late to prevent that, she thought, but she gave in enough to rest her head on his shoulder. She didn’t have to ask for his arms to come around her. “Let’s just see what happens next,” she decided.

TWENTY

Fear, Sybill wrote, is a common human emotion. And being human, it is as complex and difficult to analyze as love and hate, greed, passion. Emotions, and their causes and effects, are not my particular field of study. Behavior is both learned and instinctive and very often contains no true emotional root. Behavior is much more simple, if no more basic, than emotion.

I’m afraid.

I’m alone in this hotel, a grown woman, educated, intelligent, sensible, and capable. Yet I’m afraid to pick up the phone on the desk and call my own mother.

A few days ago, I wouldn’t have termed it fear, but reluctance, perhaps avoidance. A few days ago I would have argued, and argued well, that contact with her over the issue of Seth would only cause disruption in the order of things and produce no constructive results. Therefore, contact would be useless.

A few days ago, I could have rationalized that my feelings for Seth stemmed from a sense of moral and familial obligation.

A few days ago, I could, and did, refuse to acknowledge my envy of the Quinns with their noisy and unstructured and undisciplined interactive behavior. I would have admitted that their behavior and their unorthodox relationship were interesting, but never would I have admitted that I had a yearning to somehow slip into that pattern and become part of it.

Of course, I can’t. I accept that.

A few days ago, I attempted to refute the depth and the meaning of my feelings for Phillip. Love, I told myself, does not come so quickly or so intensely. This is attraction, desire, even lust, but not love. It’s easier to refute than to face. I’m afraid of love, of what it demands, what it asks, what it takes. And I’m more afraid, much more, of not being loved in return.

Still, I can accept this. I understand perfectly the limitations of my relationship with Phillip. We are both adults who have made our own patterns and our own choices. He has his needs and his life, as I do mine. I can be grateful that our paths crossed. I’ve learned a great deal in the short time I’ve known him. A great deal I’ve learned has been about myself.

I don’t believe I’ll be quite the same as I was.

I don’t want to be. But in order to change, truly, to grow, there are actions that must be taken.