While I had expected the tides to turn on the queer community, I never fathomed it could get as bad as it had become. Pansies had gone from having the choice between three dozen clubs to not having the freedom to fuck who they loved, all within the span of a year. The only thing worse than the cultural shift was the speed at which it had occurred. It was breakneck and eye-opening in a way that made me want to keep mine shut. Unfortunately, even if I wanted to, I wasn’t any good at ignoring the awful things that happened around me. As frustrating as it had been in the past that Cal had the capacity to feel hopeful in the face of an impending storm, I wished he’d exhibited even an iota of that positivity regarding Rosie’s situation. I had never seen him so low, and I didn’t know how to make it better. Every day he cried for Rosie, broken by the fear that they might break his friend. I attempted to talk him down, but quickly realized I wasn’t the best at twisting things to the bright side or waxing poetic about hope when I had always had so little. Still, I tried, which was the best I could do, though I blamed myself entirely for what had happened.

I should have told Cal to go without me, to get out of town long before Rosie got popped. Cal hadn’t taken the threats seriously like I had; he hadn’t felt the change in temperature, being so temperate himself. I had known better, and I wished I had made him see what he hadn’t wanted to. It was only a matter of time before Cal would hold me responsible too. He’d come to his senses and realize I was the one who’d held him back, made it impossible to protect his friend. Prior to Rosie’s arrest, I had been convinced Cal would leave, but that he would look back for me and wish I was with him. Now, I worried I’d caused irreparable damage strapping him to a burning city and he’d celebrate his chance to be emancipated from me. He was waiting for Rosie’s release. Cal would collect his friend and get the hell out of Chicago, flee for a place with more safety. The right thing for me to do was to tell Cal to go, to be selfless and strong, to understand Cal’s desire to protect his friend and in turn, himself. I had so rarely done the right thing in my life, so I wasn’t sure why I would start my ascension to sainthood when all I wanted to do was live in sin with him. I would hold him until I lost him, but I could not tell him to go. He would go anyway. I was sure of it.