Also by Courtney Peppernell

Also by Courtney Peppernell

Pillow Thoughts

Pillow Thoughts II

Pillow Thoughts III

The Road Between

Keeping Long Island

Chasing Paper Cranes

Acknowledgments

Acknowledgments

There are never enough words to express how grateful I am to be able to share poetry books with the world. It is because of a team of people that all of this is possible, and I could not do what I do without them. James, for your guidance and being the voice of reason in my mind. Lindsay, for your support and being the second pair of eyes I need. Briana, for your encouragement and organizing just about everything in this chaotic life we lead. And Ryan, for your illustrations that always bring my visions so perfectly to life.

Special thank-you to the care, direction, and creativity of Andrews McMeel Publishing—especially, Kirsty, Fred, Patty, Elizabeth, Holly, and Diane. Your dedication to every project I bring to the table is forever appreciated.

To my wife, Rhian, I couldn’t complete any of these journeys without you. I love you with my whole heart. To my family—your unwavering support, encouragement, and belief in me through everything I set my mind to is something that truly drives me.

Finally, to my readers—I truly feel like I share a bond with you all, and it is this bond that I cherish with everything I have. Thank you for all your support, I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

All my love,

Courtney

Instagram: @courtneypeppernell

Twitter: @CourtPeppernell

Website: courtneypeppernell.net

Email: [email protected]

Before the light breaks and enters the dawn of a new day. You will have thoughts in your mind and feelings in your heart. You will have shadows of dreams that sometimes tear you apart. But the most important thing to remember is all the thoughts and feelings are yours. You may bend, but you will not break, and the light of a new day will ease all the ache. No matter the distance or what may come your way, from my heart to yours, I hope you stay.

Contents

In Your Heart

You will ache

You will dream

You will love

You will heal

You will rise

You will ache

There was never a right time to say goodbye. Not when you looked at me, with all that misery in your eyes. But I couldn’t keep up with all the lies, or the way you treated my heart. I couldn’t shake the feeling, every time we kissed, like I was just another name to add to your list.

I hold all this blame

about how badly

things between us ended

I dream so vividly

of our conversations

late at night

But despite all the reasons

I shouldn’t think of you

I still do

It was just bad timing

I told myself

But bad timing happened

time and time again

And after all the pain

maybe it wasn’t the timing

Maybe we were just two people

bad for each other

I used to picture us in rocking chairs, out on the porch. We’d be waiting for our grandchildren coming up the drive. But now that picture’s gone, and every time I see those rocking chairs, yours is empty.

My heart lay asleep in a glass jar, kept safe on my shelf. Until you walked into my life and promised to be gentle, promised to help. So, I gave the jar to you, asked you to hold on tight, and instead you did the opposite. The jar shattered, and my heart fell to the floor. Now my heart is ripped and torn from all the pieces of glass, and I don’t know what to do. All this mess, because I believed in you.

Everybody said to let you go, said we were no good together. So, I walked away, after too many fights in the back of the cab. But your memory stayed, and it follows me everywhere. I close my eyes and we’re on the beach, sitting cross-legged, talking about all the places we want to go. I turn over in the sheets and the pillow still smells of your perfume. Tell me how I am supposed to move on when I’m haunted by all the things you are.

Did you mean to make my world stop turning? Do you remember the moment we stopped working? Why are you holding on when we are so clearly lost? If you ever even loved me, then break my heart quickly, because the ache is killing me slowly.

You are somewhere else, with someone new, drowning in her scent, hands lost in her hair. And yet I’m still here with all the moments we shared, not knowing how I’m supposed to have those moments with anyone else.

We sat in your car, with leftover takeout, and you listed all the things wrong with us. But all I could think about was how I wanted to fix what we’d broken. Thinking back now, even after all the time you’ve been gone and everything we’ve been through, what broke my heart that night was when you said, “You’ll find someone new.”

The grief lies in the space between us. It’s made a home in the nights we don’t speak and the days we ignore each other.

Will anyone

love me

the way I am

Will the loneliness

in my heart

be filled

Will the way

I love

ever be enough

She sat in the car the other night, the headlights shining over the driveway. She clicked the remote to open the electric gate, but it stopped, spinning on the gears, stuck in movement, unable to go further. And she felt her life as this, wanting to come home but stuck in the driveway, so close but so far away.

The universe stares back from her mirror

cloudy and unsure

And part of her wants to take a hammer to the glass

slip out of the world and into another

Somewhere she will be happier

All the messages left unopened

piled up in my phone

I knock three times

a secret code

but nobody’s home

The rain falls

the sky full of sorrow

Your shirts still in my wardrobe

from all the times I borrowed

Scattered thoughts

from the things I could have done

The times I should have stayed

alone in this lonely tower

trying to forget

the future we could have made

Every playlist filled with sad songs

and poems about a girl I used to love,

and now I’m dancing all alone.

She will grieve a broken heart

But she will not break

We were meant to be together until the world ends. But the world is still alive, spinning, carrying on. Yet my world is crashing, stuck, holding on.

Somewhere in between the tears and the constant waiting, she forgot her worth. She forgot what it means to be the sun, the stars, and the sea. She forgot what it means to love and to live and to be happy.

All the people who have hurt you don’t deserve to be in your life. They belong in the past, with all the ache. You need to move into the future and fill it with light.

She felt like the only house in the street, with lonely doors and lonely windows. All she wanted was for someone to light the fireplace.

People tell her she owes so many apologies to herself, to forgive all the mistakes she made. But maybe the stars need to forgive her too, for every night she looked away.

Even if you think the song is ruined because you shared it with them, it’s still just a song. So many other people in the world have different memories with the same song. Lay all the ache you feel when you hear it to rest and create new memories.

She is scared to love again, because people change their minds. She is scared to love again, because people leave with no answers, and she is sick of thinking it’s because of her.

So, she built a tiny garden and filled it with plants and spices in jars. And she told herself each day they grew, they would mend all the scars.

She gave her heart to someone who dropped it over and over again. Giving chances as though they were breaths. But now she is taking every chance back, and she will breathe clearly once more.

She is tired of the promises that seem empty. Of believing magic may fix her broken heart.

She has seen mountains grow from dust, and rivers forge, chasing their own paths. She has heard the call of the wind, reminding her to begin again.

She called the name a thousand times over, listening as it echoed. A name as hollow as a rugged canyon. Yet no answers returned, of why they left, of why the heartbreak flourished and the memories remained. But she must ache, and she must feel so that the sun will rise again.

I keep hoping for you. Hoping you will walk back through the door. But the dishes are piled up and the fridge is empty, and the rain comes every midafternoon. I am closing my eyes more often than not, hoping that the healing will come soon.

She is out there, somewhere in the wild, looking for herself.

You can lose, without ever really having.

By now, she is fluent in ache. How it spills into her veins and sits in her bones. If this ruin is all she has known, where will she find strength?

You can sew the scars, with stitches made from forgiveness. You can sprout new life, grow into your skin, and take back the fearlessness.

The world defines “disaster” in so many ways, but lately “disaster” is all my thoughts of you.

She likes the idea of new skin and hair regrowing, of new clothes and different memories and belongings. She likes that she can let go of the past and all the hurt and grow into someone new.

She built cities in her own mind, filled them with love and interest, and drove away the shadows. She hopes these cities will spill over into her world.

She began those first few months crying on her bedroom floor. Boxes left unpacked, unsure of this new life she was meant to lead. But then, one day, she washed her sheets and showered in the morning; she drew back the drapes and unpacked all her boxes. She found a coffee shop down the road and cooked dinner at home. She went on dates and bought fresh roses. And even if there are still days of gloom, she knows for every bad day, there is a good day, certain to bloom.

A car horn sounds in the distance, and she steps away from the windowsill, the rain comes in steady, clouds had brewed all afternoon. The sky was as dark and unforgiving as she felt. But somewhere in between her tears, she saw the raindrops spelling out a silver horizon, and she knew all the pain would eventually disperse and the skies would brighten.

It is not always about the heart breaking. It’s the uncertainty afterward. How unsure you become, about the way you look, how you dress, who you are. If they couldn’t stay, then why would anyone else? But I am sure of you, sure you will grow again, grow new, grow more memories that you love and breathe through. You will be as beautiful as I believe you to be. Take your time, but do take the first step.

You will dream

That’s when I realized the ache will always resurface. Whether it’s in the supermarket over a girl you kissed who didn’t kiss you back, or a boy who told his friends about you but not his parents, or the job you missed out on, or the sad movie you watched alone on Friday night. The ache comes back around, always in the moments your heart has room; but maybe the ache has always wanted to be loved too.

She was taught to dream

to imagine castles

and sailing around the world

She was taught to live

even though things are hard

even though life can get you down

Here she was, comparing other dreams with hers, wondering if hers were big enough or bold enough or worthy enough to show off. But, darling, dreams are as big or small as you want them to be, the goal is to dream enough to be free.

Seek shelter in the arms of somebody who truly cares. Someone who pushes you to dream, who supports you, even in the moments hope is nowhere to be seen.

She is the kind of girl you spot sitting at the window of a café, with her nose buried in books, and her glasses at the tip of her nose. The kind of girl who hands you her change when you’ve left your wallet at home. She is the kind of girl who makes the smallest of moments seem like your greatest adventure.

You are home, and home can be many things. Right now, home is where I look, to cast away all the doubts I ever had.

On a windswept day, she sat at the beach. Sand whipping through her hair, salt from the sea finding her face. Her heart felt as heavy as the rocks facing the horizon. But she knew, beyond sea and sand, she would continue to carry her heart and hold her own hand.

I do not know of all your dreams, your hopes, your aspirations. But I know the feeling, to fall, to fly, and to fall again. Your wings never really break, sometimes they just need to rest.

Sometimes even in the silence, you can’t hear yourself think.

She is my soul, my heart, my life. The moment I heard her laugh, I knew I wanted her to be my wife.

Pinpoint the moment you thought you could not go on, the moment you thought all your hopes would fall short, the moment you truly believed everything you worked for would desert you, take you back to the start. That moment often changes your course, but never your heart. Harness those feelings, and use it for greatness.

Each day, she opens her eyes and the light fills the world. Inside her, how she sees galaxies in coffee cups and wildflowers blooming in notebooks. She is a vision, a bird soaring high. She is the reason hope will fly.

What you dream of, the things you want to achieve, are as valid as you make them to be.

She was always in a faraway place; even in a crowded space, she was somewhere else. Thinking of other lives and how they may interconnect with hers. She dreamed of fields of flowers and running waterfalls, of sunlight falling over a face she would one day come home to. She planted feelings in potted plants and wore dresses the color of lilac. She loved harder than anyone I ever knew. She is the warmth of the fire when nights are cold. She is the person you want by your side, together as you grow old.

I hope when you fall, you have a soft landing, but even if you don’t and it takes time for you to find your feet, know that you are worth every step.

She dreams of that voice, the one that calls to ask about her day. The way it sounds, even from far away, how it makes her sigh and her heart fill with color. That voice could never compare to another.

Fill your life with people who make you strive. Always thinking of the next day, always wanting to create, to challenge yourself. People who motivate you to keep going are important.

I think of you in the early hours of the morning, as the day is just beginning. I think of what we can be, together as one, as vast and as beautiful as the sky can be.

What I have come to know more than anything is that my soul grows and changes. There are moments it feels full, and others empty, but it continues forward, moving with every step I take in this life.

You will never be understood by everyone. Most people are still trying to understand themselves. The things you want to achieve are yours, and the people who try to push you into a corner aren’t worth having in your life.

We always remember the ones who hurt us, who ruined our expectations or let us down. Perhaps, as we grow older, it’s better to remember the ones who helped us. Even if they aren’t around anymore, even if life got in the way or reasons out of our control meant we were just destined to spend a fraction of time together. We should remember how they made us feel, how they helped shaped us too, and we should carry that with us, in everything we do.

You still struggle some days with the idea of what you could have become versus what you are. But what you are is everything. What you are can be grown. Keep growing.

Don’t use someone else to forget her. Don’t shut every door to keep from feeling. The feeling is what keeps you moving, keeps you searching. Memory is what makes us stronger, more determined. You need to feel, all of it; you are never a burden.

It hurts to feel as though no one understands your secrets. As though you are the keeper of all these thoughts and nobody else could ever feel them too. But sometimes, on a rainy afternoon, you pick up a book and read it with some wine, and for the first time, someone understands. That even if the sun is shining, you don’t feel the glow. But it’s okay, because someone else in the world knows.

She saw her reflection in a snow globe, a different world inside. She’s been afraid of changing, casting light upon shadows. But even tiny sparrows must leave home behind and seek the hills beyond.

Moments make us older, now I’m further away from who I was. I’m taking things slow, but I am still a child at heart, some things I barely know.

We’re all happy and lonely, going and getting at the same time. We’re chasing all the love and dreams we hope to find.

There are all these things you think you don’t deserve. You wonder why all these roads are leading nowhere. But find me at the end of the tunnel, listen as my heart beats to the sound of your name. Listen as I promise, you deserve everything, especially to love again.

All the moments I feel like I’m drifting away from myself, I know your love and the way you make me feel is like nobody else.

You’re the color

of my cure,

the light I adore.

You’re the courage

I find in every day.

I would follow you

through the dark,

to any place,

with you

I want to stay.

In the times I felt most alone, I loved more than I have ever known.

You will feel lost for a while, like moments stopped in time. But it will be okay, you’ll pick up the pieces and be just fine. I know it hurts, and instead of sleeping, you’re dreaming of somewhere else. But the night is yours, please look after yourself.

Some of us sleep so soundly, with an arm around our waist, while others dread the night, lying awake thinking about someone we want so badly, it keeps us watching the clock.

But I wonder for all the nights

I am

wanting, needing, hoping

for you

If I spent all these moments

wanting, needing, hoping

for all the things I deserve

would I still be awake?

It is too heavy, the weight you carry all by yourself. How it troubles your heart. I wish I could carry it for you, I’d gladly take it so. But these are your boxes, filled of the things you struggle with. I know you are strong enough to build a castle and call it home; all I can do is remind you that you are not alone.

Are you really thinking about them, or just the idea of having someone?

I could lie and tell you that life will be easy, but I owe you more than this. Life is remembering to say please and thank you, watching sunsets when you need space to think, it’s catching your breath after laughing until your sides ache, it’s forgiving yourself when relationships break. It’s returning the things you borrow and counting blessings, it’s keeping promises and following your feet, it’s dancing in the rain and pulling your hood up in the sleet. It’s never expecting life to be fair, taking chances, being there when people need you. It’s dreaming big and living small moments, it’s holding hands in the cinema and drinking wine in a courtyard under fairy lights. It’s remembering the things that make your heart swell and letting go of the things that keep you up at night.

My heart beats so loudly every time I see you behind the counter, it feels like a boom box playing every station full of love songs. I want to talk to you, not just to place my coffee order or tell you to have a nice day. I want to know your favorite color and if you enjoy the mountains, the theater, or ballet. I want to see you in the morning, not just for caffeine, I want to wake up next to you, kiss you, instead of all this daydreaming.

You achieve all your dreams by facing your fears. By experiencing the doubt and the disbelief and choosing to carry on anyway.

You will love

That time of day when the light fades and the sky spills sleepy colors. That is where your dreams exist. If ever you need encouragement, to be reminded of why it’s important to try, stop and look to the sky.

A long time ago, she used to believe all the roads in the world would not lead her to where she needed to go. But she’s older now, and she knows roads crack in the heat and disappear in the snow, but if she places one foot in front of the other, eventually she will get to where she needs to go.

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