Yes.

And look!

Look!

Finally!

Avigail is illumined.

6.

I RUN WITH SCISSORS

Charles sneezes. It’s very possible that he’s allergic to Ying Yue’s singing. Or possibly to Wang Shu’s shouting. Or – by Avigail’s bubbeh’s calculations – a profound truth has just been uttered or (perhaps, more ominously) a grave omen is being augured.

Charles doesn’t give a damn about any of this because he is still tapping away at his fourth finger:

MUST SELF-PARTNER!

Yes! Yes!

I AM SOVEREIGN.

I AM SOVEREIGN.

I AM SOVEREIGN.

Say anything enough times and it becomes true.

Doesn’t it?

When you self-partner, it’s kind of like marrying yourself. As he taps, Charles imagines a wedding band encircling his ring finger ( just as Richard Grannon suggested he might).

Must be here – for myself.

Because if I can’t be here – for myself – why on earth should anyone else bother being here – for me?

If I can’t?

If I can’t be here – for myself?

Why should anyone else bother?

Being here?

For me?

An important constituent of Grannon’s Silencing the Inner Critic course involves doing something called ‘Re-patterning the Inner Parent’.

Charles has not watched this particular module the whole way through – or even partially – but he has cast a jittery eye over the module’s full transcript to steel himself against the possibility that Richard Grannon might say something in the video that offends his – Charles’s – delicate sensibilities about, uh, not sure what, exactly, but, um, he’s hyper, hyper sensitive and he loathes surprises …

And he is already steeling himself for disappointment. He is patiently awaiting disillusionment. He’s almost … it would be wrong to say that he is anticipating it – looking forward to it, hoping for it – but, yes, he is definitely steeling himself for it.

Is this self-sabotage?

Surely not?

There is only room for one moronic idealist in Charles’s life.

And that one moronic idealist is Charles himself.

Charles can always depend upon his dreadfully fucked-up idealistic self to make dreadfully fucked-up idealistic decisions.

Richard Grannon is bound to let him down.

Just like everybody else does/will/always has.

It’s pretty much inevitable.

It’s a foregone conclusion.

So … yes, very broadly speaking (from what Charles can deduce), this ‘re-patterning’ involves conceptualising two perfect parents and then employing a series of simple, psychological ruses to gradually retrain the mind into being less critical and more nurturing. So the Bad Parent (the Inner Critic – the Toxic Super-Ego) slowly becomes a Good Parent (or Parent-s).

Charles will be required to imagine a perfect parent (two perfect parents) and to list (in his notebook) what he thinks their ideal characteristics might be.

Um …

Charles thinks it’s important for a perfect parent to be:

Consistent.

Respectful.

Honest.

Present.

Generous.

Kind.

Loving.

Tender.

Unflinching.

Responsive.

Authentic.

Forgiving.

Creative.

Accepting.

Non-judgemental.

Sympathetic.

Brave.

Patient.

Supportive (did he already say that?).

Warm.

Open.

Fun.

Like Barack and Michelle Obama.

Michelle and Barack are Charles’s perfect parents.