How is Charles feeling?

How are you feeling, Charles?

Um.

Charles feels:

Weird.

Flustered.

Open.

Warm.

Creaky.

Itchy.

Confused.

‘A sheet? Why would I hang a sheet over the drying rack?’ he wonders.

Slightly snarky.

Flippers?!

‘That’s kind of the whole point,’ Avigail sighs (Oh the boredom of explaining the sodding obvious: This is my whole life, she thinks, just explaining the sodding obvious. Over and over and over. WITH BASTARD WORDS). ‘For the rack to work efficiently the whole thing needs to be enclosed.’

‘But it works perfectly well without a sheet,’ Charles persists. ‘My mother never used a sheet.’

‘It’s just common sense, Charles.’ Avigail smiles (with terrific insincerity). ‘If you do your bedding in the first wash you can hang it over the rack and create a vacuum to hold in the heat. Then, after you’ve done the remainder of your laundry, in a second wash, you can place your T-shirts and vests etc. inside and not only keep the heat contained – which is more environmental – but save money and speed up the drying process to boot.’

The electric drying rack is illumined.

Everything is illumined.

Even the T-shirt Ying Yue is currently gazing at, dazedly, which reads: Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

Even that T-shirt is illumined.

‘If the manufacturers wanted you to cover it then surely they would’ve provided a cover with the rack?’ Charles argues.

Charles thinks Avigail is one of the least sincere people he has ever met.

‘You don’t need a cover,’ Avigail explains AGAIN (He has to be kidding. Honestly. He has to be kidding).

‘You use your sheets – your bed linen to cover the rack. Wet or dry. It’s just lateral thinking. It’s just basic common sense.’

Charles glares at Avigail.

Basic common sense?!

‘And I think you’ll find it’s actually more decorous to do it that way,’ she adds. ‘More modest.’

Decorous?

Avigail winces the instant she finishes speaking. She winces at herself.

Modest?

Who is this stranger person mouth talking?

What the heck?!

Am going losing mind totally.

Charles glares at Avigail.

Decorous?

Modest?!

Is Avigail actually standing there, in his kitchen, accusing him – Charles – of being indecorous? Of being immodest?

(Angry voice.)

Um.

Perhaps Avigail is simply standing there, in his kitchen, advising him (Charles) of a better way – a more efficient way – to use his electric drying rack?

(Rational voice.)

Pause.

No. Seriously. Is Avigail actually standing there, in his kitchen, accusing him – Charles – of being indecorous? Of being immodest?

Finding fault with him? Undermining him? Ridiculing him?

HOW DARE SHE?

HOW DARE SHE?

HOW DARE SHE?!

This seemingly disproportionate response to Avigail’s comments re the rack is no longer really about Avigail – or the drying rack – is it?

No …

Oh. um … Hello? Hi! It’s lil’ ol’ me again!

Panic alarm goes off.

Weee-wahh-weee-wahh-weee-wahh!

*Emotional flashback politely proffers Charles its magnificently red-satin-begloved paw.*