Ash and I drive through the farmland of Scotland with me glued to the window, as I have been for most of the ride; it’s undeniably the prettiest place I’ve ever seen in my life, with rolling hills, villages filled with stone houses that look like they were plucked out of a medieval fairy tale, and lakes surrounded by snow-capped mountains that sparkle in the setting sun. I’m reminded of my aunt Jo and my promise to enjoy every piece of wonderful as it comes along. It’s just a bummer that it’s not safe to have my phone because I’m dying to take pictures, which I think I’ve told Ash at least five times by now. But he’s mostly been quiet this entire ride. Layla goes quiet when she’s thinking, but I’ve never seen Ash do it before. It’s possible this situation requires more contemplating than usual. But it’s also possible that he’s just annoyed with me.

“I’m still sorry, Ash,” I say, and turn to look at him. I attempted to talk to him about this when we got in the car, but he responded briskly and we turned our attention to navigating, filling up the tank, and getting some food for the road. And when I tried to transition the conversation to the Lion Family, he said we would talk about it later.

“Okay,” he says, and I get the sense that it’s not okay.

It’s nearly impossible for me to let things go when I know someone’s frustrated with me. I think my insistence causes bigger fights in the end, but I feel incomplete when situations are left unresolved.

“You’re mad,” I say. “It’s fine. I get it. You should be mad. I put us in a shit position back there.”

“I’m not mad at you, November,” he says, but his tone isn’t easy.

“Well, I’m sorry just the same. I know what kind of a risk you took by coming with me. When that guy hit you…God, Ash, if it had been a knife instead of a punch,” I say again, shuddering as an image of the assassin flashes into my mind.

“But it wasn’t.”

“No, it wasn’t. But still,” I say, searching for the words to tell him how much it means to me that he’s here, and how much I know that he’s taking an unbelievably huge risk. Normally this would be a breeze for me. I’ve had to apologize to Emily so many times that I consider myself somewhat of an expert. But with Ash it’s different. It feels like so much is at stake, not just in our danger-addled situation, but between us personally.

We’re silent for a good minute, BBC Radio filling the quiet car.