“You’re like a whole Indian now.” He cuffed me on the shoulder. I tried to grin. It was more of a grimace. I didn’t like him saying Indian. It didn’t feel the same way it felt when one of us said it–casual, reclaiming. It felt mocking coming out of his mouth. He hadn’t earned it. You need to love something before you can tease about it.

“You could be, too. You’re maybe just half at this point.” It came out sharper than it should have been.

He stopped. “What’s with you, man? You’re really grumpy.”

“I’m tired.” I slowed down but kept walking. “That’s all. This is tiring, all this damn walking and climbing trees and bush work.”

He jogged back to my side. “At the institute, we won’t have to do any physical activity unless it’s PE time, and even that’s inside. When we get back, your privileges will be extended so you can do it, too. Just keep the goal in mind, and it’ll be easier to make it through this.”

I couldn’t believe he actually thought being in a school was better than this—being able to pick your own direction, carry your own weight, and be your own person.

“Isn’t it weird, though?” I tried. “Following all those rules and knowing that it’s not real?”

“What do you mean, not real?”

“It’s just, out here, you make decisions based on your gut and your head, not because you’re following a schedule. And when you do something or don’t do something, it’s because it has a real impact on your life.”

“So it’s better to be almost dead or close to dying every day than to be safe and fed?” He laughed like I’d told an awesome joke. Maybe I had. “No thanks, man. I’ll take the institute any day.”

I had to shift gears. I was wasting precious alone time.

“It’s gotta feel strange, even for you, even after all this time, being at a place that’s a prison for us.” I had to tread lightly but still make sure my point was getting across. “I just feel like, I don’t know, like a second-class citizen there.”

“Ummm, I mean, sometimes it’s weird. But they really take you on your own merit, you know? Like, you can work your way up from the bottom. It’s all about pulling yourself up.” He was practically skipping along. “I appreciate that. It means I can get to where I want to be for no other reason than that I earned it.”

“Okay, but aren’t you beginning a hundred yards back from the starting line while everyone else is already at the gate, just because of what they are and what you aren’t?”

He didn’t answer right away. A good sign. I kept going.

“Out here is where you can really prove yourself every day. And nature doesn’t judge anyone before they are called to task—it can’t.”

“You seem awfully skeptical, Francis.” His voice had gotten low.

I pushed him a bit, smiling. “Nah, just saying, is all. I don’t want to be a part of something where people think I’m a moron before I even have a chance.”