Back Hold Your Fire
Chapters (20)
  1. Cover
  2. The Leopard Next Door
  3. Tongue-Tied
  4. Powerful Owl
  5. Arm’s Length
  6. Harbour
  7. Monstera
  8. Frogs’ Legs
  9. Hold Your Fire
  10. Blood Bag
  11. The Drydown
  12. Rip
  13. Exchange
  14. Joyriders
  15. The One You’ve Been Waiting For
  16. Future Moon
  17. Break Character
  18. Animus
  19. Acknowledgements
  20. About the Author

Deidre’s fingernails were stumpy and cuticles sprang up from their sides. I directed my gaze away from her and towards her daughter. I looked Luna square in her pale blue eyes. I remembered reading somewhere that the most common eye colour for murderers is pale blue. I wasn’t going to let this child intimidate me.

‘You’re in big trouble,’ I said.

‘Now just a moment —’ said Gaby.

‘It’s all right,’ said Deidre. She held up her hand and Gaby stopped talking. Luna stared up at her. ‘Remember what we said about having difficult conversations?’

Luna nodded, though whether she had any comprehension of what Deidre said remained unclear.

‘Good girl. Why don’t you tell Dr Tomlinson what happened?’

‘I punched him,’ Luna said then.

‘You did what?’

I hadn’t expected her to be so blunt.

‘Wait, let’s regroup,’ Gaby said. ‘Remember what you told me, Luna? You said you and Sammy were just playing.’

Luna didn’t blink. ‘I punched him,’ she said again. She stood away from her mother and mimed an uppercut. It was graceful, a sickle-swipe up through the air. ‘I punched him like that.’

‘And what did he do that made you respond physically?’ said Deidre, her voice full of understanding.

‘I don’t care about her motivations,’ I said. I could feel my temper hit a rolling boil. ‘She’s four. What kind of reason do you expect her to give?’

‘She’s three, actually,’ Deidre said. Luna had returned to her and Deidre was stroking her long, smooth hair. ‘Blossomings felt she wasn’t being sufficiently challenged in the lower age pod. She’s been accelerated.’

‘Uplifted,’ Gaby corrected.

‘Uplifted,’ Deidre repeated. ‘Anyway – go on, honey.’

‘We were playing goodies and baddies,’ said Luna. ‘He was the baddy.’

‘You see? A simple case of misplaced verisimilitude,’ Deidre said. ‘She must have read about so-called “goodies” and “baddies” somewhere. I don’t allow screen time, obviously, but I don’t like to censor her taste in books.’

‘Sammy’s fine, truly,’ Gaby chimed in.

‘Samuel,’ I said.

‘He’s the baddy,’ Luna said.

‘This is fucking ridiculous,’ I said, before I could stop myself.

Luna’s face was gleeful. ‘She said a bad word, Mummy,’ she said, her blue eyes on me. ‘Is she a bad lady?’

‘No, sweetheart,’ said Deidre. ‘She’s just upset. And when people are upset they find it hard to control their feelings.’

Samuel chose that moment to appear at the door.

‘Mum?’

‘Come here, darling,’ I said. ‘Let me take a look at you.’

He looked wary at my effusiveness, and I didn’t blame him. But, through loyalty or lack of imagination, he obeyed.

I tilted his chin up, examined his face with its oddly proportioned features that I hoped would grow into some semblance of harmony.

‘Do you have a headache?’ I asked.

He looked at me hard, trying to figure out the answer I wanted.

‘Yes,’ he said.