When the sharpshooters gathered near the remaining war leaders and learned that Chief Joseph had been detained, there was much arguing and gesturing. No one seemed to know what to do. Looking Glass spoke at length, probably offering a few suggestions, but the young men turned away, ignoring him, which pleased me. Had he urged the march with more fervency, I knew The People would be in Canada now, instead of stuck in a bad place getting worse.

The big guns boomed again, but I think many of us had finally reached that point at which – you know what I mean – that point when everything bad has happened and there surely can’t be anything worse. There was, of course, but no one knew it at the time. We were helpless of remedy, and above all, defeated, but not yet ready for that final step of surrender.

To be so near and yet so far! From a clear day atop the Bear Paws, I could probably have seen Canada. There were no clear days, no way out.

Is anything worse than waiting? There was no food. My command of Nimiipuu language was nonexistent. I was white and frightened. All I could do was hide in the tunnel and dream of returning to Omaha, which left me more depressed than ever. Somewhere not really too far from Montana was my father with his tobacco-scented shirts and his comfortable laugh, and my mother with her lovely frocks and high-priced sneer.

Also out there, lying in the snow with her body mutilated beyond recognition and her hair gone was Blue Mountain Woman. She had thrown her life away for me and I knew it. I ached all over with love for her and worry for Hawk. Where was he?

As you can tell – and I might make changes before I tuck this away – I say I was worried about Hawk, but still wasn’t ready to admit that I loved him. That I loved him will surprise no one, but I was young and none too sure about anything. Some people of my husband’s acquaintance call me a wise woman. I was not wise then.

Shortly before morning on that day – maybe the one before – four or five braves slipped out of camp and started north. Looking Glass had convinced them earlier that Sitting Bull was waiting across the border to come to our rescue (Honestly, that Looking Glass…). I hardly need add here that help never came. We didn’t know it then, but Sitting Bull had been warned against giving any aid to the Nimiipuu. Instead, he had drawn his own band one hundred miles farther north in Canada. The People had not a friend anywhere; they just didn’t know it yet.