“You saw me crying the day of Sullivan’s funeral. That’s true. I loved him, and I don’t regret loving him.”

I turned my face, but she followed until her knee brushed my thigh.

“So you saw my grief, but you never stopped to see my relief.”

My gaze snapped back to hers.

“I was heartbroken that Sullivan died, but, Cam, the only reason I could breathe was because you survived. I was so ashamed that all I was allowed to feel was the grief when the relief was the bigger emotion.” Her shoulders hunched as she looked away.

“What are you saying? You were relieved that Sully died?” I whispered.

“No.” She shook her head. “I was relieved that you didn’t. And I knew that eventually I’d be okay. I’d heal. And I did. I put myself back together and made myself whole. But I knew that if your places had changed, and we’d buried you, I wouldn’t have. I couldn’t—I can’t—picture my world without you in it somewhere.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

Was she really telling me that if she had to choose one of us to come home that day, she would have chosen me? That was impossible. Everyone chose Sullivan. My father, Xander, even Willow herself.

How big of an asshole was I that I longed to believe her? That I wanted to think I was worthy of being someone’s first choice?

I wanted to be her first choice.

She came closer until our breaths mingled with the steam rising from the mineral pool.

“Say yes,” she begged, turning my words from our first kiss around on me.

But I couldn’t. Not when I was only her choice because he couldn’t be. As badly as I wanted her, I couldn’t be her silver medal. Even when the beating in my chest screamed to take what I could get, the lone scrap of pride I’d held on to all these years couldn’t do it.

“No.” I moved away from her, sliding back into the pool.

“Why?” she shouted, sitting on the edge of the shallow end. “You fight for your country. For Sullivan. For your dad and even for me. Why can’t you let someone fight for you? Why won’t you let me fight for you?”

The naked pain in her voice shredded my composure like nothing else could, and my control snapped. “Because I’ll only hurt you.”

“News flash, we don’t have to be together for you to break my heart. Trust me, I’ve got a few years of evidence to back that up. Try again.”

“Because you don’t really want me.”

“Of all the stupid things to say.” She dropped under the water and swam, surfacing past me near the midpoint of the pool, where the steam obscured her again.