“Hell no. Willow, I lost any say, any right to even…” His fingers gripped his hair for the longest breath I’d ever held. Then he dropped them to his sides, leaving his hair standing on end.

I took a breath when he did.

“I chose Sullivan’s squad,” he finally said, rasping the words. “There were two there, and I chose his.”

“But you didn’t know it was his squad. Making a choice doesn’t change that.”

That same determination I’d seen earlier flashed in his eyes, but this time it was a warning. “I brought him home in a box. I was with him when he bled out.”

“Don’t,” I whispered. The chill was changing, becoming voracious and numbing. The sensation started at my toes and rose up in waves that fed on my joy, my want, even my stupid longing, then froze them out to nothingness.

“You should know.” Pain laced every word, raw and bitter. “It’s one thing to think you forgive me, but you should know what he looked like in my arms. How I tried to get the bleeding to stop, but he’d been shot in the neck. Clipped his jugular just enough to make it slower. I couldn’t even see where the rest of the blood was going. And the medic was coming, just not fucking fast enough.”

Thoughtless. I was empty of everything, even thoughts, as he spewed the story I’d never been told. Never deemed strong enough for the details.

“I ripped off his helmet, and Vasquez—one of my guys—tried to plug the hole in his neck. But Sully’s hair…it didn’t look as blond as before. It was darker, closer to mine, and I remember thinking that was wrong. That he was supposed to be good, like Xander. He couldn’t turn into me. Stupid, right? Because he was turning into nothing right before my eyes, and I could only sit there with his head in my lap.”

My lip started to tremble.

“I knew he was going. There was so much blood. They’d never medevac him out fast enough, not while the outpost was still under attack. I took over holding the pressure on the wound and told Vasquez to fire from Sullivan’s position. And I told Sully, ‘You have to live. You have to. Willow’s waiting. Dad’s waiting. You gotta hold on.’ I knew what it would do to Dad. To Xander…to you.”

I swallowed the whimper that came without permission, tears pricking my eyes.

“And…” He looked away, his face contorting into lines of rage and grief and restraint.

“Tell me,” I begged in a whisper.

“That’s enough. You don’t want…” He shook his head.

“Tell me!” I shouted. “Don’t you dare hold anything back or hide it from me. I deserve to know!”