Disappearance or not, I knew he loved me. The feeling in my chest that swelled up whenever we were alone together was all I needed to know to deduce that. He didn’t leave because he didn’t love me, he left because he loved me and couldn’t stand putting me in harm’s way for him. Or something like that. Anything other than not loving me.

But now the bond was broken. It wasn’t like I was no longer the stag. I felt nothing like the stag. Just like plain old Janneke the human, outsider to everything. Broken. Worthless.

“He left most of his things here,” Seppo murmured, going through the packs. “Though no weapons other than his bow and arrows. But he didn’t take much food or water or anything else.” He frowned. “Why?”

“Many goblins,” Lydian said softly, “especially the males once they reach past their prime and know they can’t survive on their own anymore or run a manor without people trying to usurp them decide to go out into the cold. They walk until they freeze and die. They usually leave behind something as a note, a testament, for who they want their lordship to go to, and seal it with the remains of their magic so no one can change their choice. It’s a noble death.”

Something like poison and fire filled my veins, and I tackled Lydian to the ground with a force and speed I didn’t know I possessed. I gripped the front of his parka.

“Take that back!” I yelled in his face, teeth bared. “Take those words back, you filthy monster! Soren’s not dead! He’s not dead! I don’t know where he is, but he’s not dead, so take it back!”

Lydian’s eyes widened in surprise by my reaction, and using one hip, he knocked me off the top of him. When before, this would be the beginnings of a bloody fight, now, he calmly waited for me to sit back up and gain awareness again.

“But you can still feel him, right?” Rose said.

I shook my head and fought valiantly to hold my tears back so they wouldn’t freeze on my face. “I can’t feel anything. I can’t see anything. There’s no bond. There’s no lines on the ground. There’s no ever-present beat of the world. It’s all gone.” I wiped my eyes. “Maybe that means I’m useless too. That I need to go into the snow and die. Because I can’t feel the stag’s power in me anymore.”

“Well, we’re certainly not letting you do that,” Diaval said, wincing as she stood. She took her share of the stuff to carry now that Soren was gone and slung it on her back. Once again, she winced.

“Are you all right, Diaval?” I asked.

“Fine, I reopened a scratch last night,” she said.