“I ended up using an iron knife my parents hid in my clothes to attack a tree and drink the black sap from it; that was the way out apparently. The second trial was … different.”

If I strained my ears, I could still hear the screams and cries of my family and the people in my village. I could still hear Lydian yelling at me to run and hunting me down like prey.

“I came back to my village as the slaughter was taking place,” I said quietly. “And survived. Lydian made me run so he could chase after me, but I was injured and fell into a ravine. I knew they were close and they’d do horrible things to me … but then I remembered by fang and noticed the albino snake near me, one of the venomous kinds, and I grabbed it and let it bite me so I would die before Lydian ever got his hands on me.”

“Gods,” Soren said. “That must have been terrifying. I’m so sorry.”

“The last one was the worst.”

“What happened?” Soren asked. “Only if you want to speak about it. I understand if you can’t bring it up again.”

I shook my head. “That’s the thing … it wasn’t horrible. It wasn’t horrible, so it was the worst because I had to leave.” My eyes were stinging and I quickly rubbed them before any falling tears could betray me. “I was a normal person in a normal life, but you were there too, also human. My body wasn’t scarred, we were going to have a baby, there was my family all around, and I don’t think the Permafrost even existed.” My voice shook a little. “It was like someone dangling everything I wanted in front of me. And the worst part is that it wasn’t some illusion. The roots weren’t making me see things. I was actually living an alternate life.”

“I’m so sorry, Janneke,” Soren said softly, his hand squeezing mine gently. “I’m so sorry you had to choose.”

“They said that I had to kill you in order to get back. Kill that version of you in a perfect life, and I couldn’t do it.” My voice broke. “It’s my fault we had to face Garm and that we couldn’t reach Lydian. I couldn’t find it in myself to kill you—any version of you. I tried,” I said. “I ended up slashing one of your eyes, but I couldn’t go any further, and so I slit my own wrists in the hopes that I’d wake up back in this world.”

Soren was quiet for a long while, but he still pulled my shivering body close and I leaned into his warmth. His heartbeat, slower than a human’s, began to relax me as the fear and despair from what had happened left my body.